Damn... I am the absolute best at letting people walk all over me... And people wonder why I'm so timid and non-confrontational.  /sigh

Scents

     Arya braced herself against the cool brick of the wall and tried to steady her breathing. She had heard the saying that smells were the deepest ties to memories and emotions, but she had never had that heart stopping, all consuming moment that just hits you mid breath and constricts your throat. She took a shaky breath and lifted her eyes, searching. No familiar faces or voices, just that unmistakable scent that made her reel and remember. Remember so much she tried to push aside and forget, and to move beyond and not look back. 

     Hand clutching her jack tightly at the collar, she closed her blue eyes tightly and slid to the cold, hard ground. Arya had thought she was numb to it, that she had walled her heart off and removed any remaining strings attached to it, but clearly she was wrong. Another shaky breath and she unclenched her white knuckled hand and picked herself off the ground. Not today. She would keep moving.

     Shoving both hands deep into the pockets of her coat she resumed her walking. As much as she wanted to bolt and and get home as quickly as possible, she wouldn't let this control her. It didn't matter. It was the past. Her feet kept moving, her mind racing. 

     Herp derp, desk shift, which means me trying to pass the time and amuse myself. It didn't work all that well and I still have an hour to go. Heh. On to the next semi time consuming thing.

Happy Birthday Grandpa

     Today, he would have been 84, and the ache of missing him hasn't lessened at all in the almost two years it's been since his passing. This is by far one of the roughest Mondays I have had in a very long time. I woke up this morning to not being able to keep my eyes open for a few moments at a time since they were all puffy and sore from last night. There's not been much time to myself today as I'm working all day and I can't let it slow me down, but sometimes it's hard to just put the smile on for everyone else when I don't quite feel it. I miss him terribly and fervently hope that my grandmother is doing alright today. I know today will be even more rough for her. <3

     My trip to Blizzcon is basically two and a half days away! Aaaaahhhhhhh! So nervous, but excited! Honestly it's a pretty rare thing for me to go out of my way to do something that I really want to do and that will make me happy. Usually I'm more than willing to go along with whatever everyone else wants and will make them happy. Here's to hoping it's really as fun of a trip as it's been planned to be. I need to finish getting everything together though. I'm still the best procrastinator there ever was.

     Sometimes, I look back and I am amazed with how much has changed within the past year, let alone say the past ten. People come into your life, make a lasting impression, and then leave in the blink of an eye. Those who find enjoyment and worth in your company/friendship, stay a little longer if you let them in and don't push them away. There in lies the problem. You think, "Everyone else has slowly distanced themselves and gone on their own way, so what would make this any different? Why should I let my walls down and someone else in, just to be let down and walked away from again?" Doesn't seem worth it, does it? That in itself, is also a problem. When no effort is put out, and no one is allowed to be close, of course they won't stick around. It becomes an endless cycle, and either you find that one person, or more, who will put up with it long enough for you to get comfortable and break it down yourself, or there needs to be a break in the wall. Some crack, no matter how small, to let someone start to see through.

     Where I was going with that/this, honestly not sure... Just one of those writings while on a desk shift at work.

The Destroyer

     I am the breaker and destroyer of each good thing that I touch. Seems like I should definitely just keep my distance.

     Silence. Creeping, suffocating silence. Left with nothing but thoughts running through her head, Elaine tossed and turned under her comforter. Well past midnight and with work approaching quicker than she'd like, she groaned and sat up in bed. Sleep wasn't going to come easily. It rarely did. Throwing her legs over the side of her bed, she began pacing her room in the dim moonlight. Her cat watched with half-lidded eyes, curious, but not enough to bother getting up from his spot in her previously occupied bed. 

Herp derp random few lines of something or another leading into who knows what.

Such a disappointing end...

...to a disappointing day. I know that's not the correct use of ellipsis, but frankly I don't give a damn at the moment. I didn't think today could possibly ever be so bad, but it has been one thing after another since 6am. I have not felt so physically and emotionally exhausted/beat down in a long time. Hope is a lackluster thing and hard to grasp and keep ahold of. Slowly, continually slipping away like sand between my fingers. Just blah...