So sitting on my lunch break and realizing I have about ten minutes left and what do I have the urge to do? Write. Not completely sure about what, but I just kind of want to let my fingers wander over my MP3 player and see what happens to come out. I have never been the best at expressing my emotions or in general finding a good outlet to let them out, but writing seems the best way since I can't ever seem to find my voice whenever I want to or should. I think I'm tired of caring, tired of trying to make everyone else happy while I put on a face to try and seem happy as I go along with it. I know I can't make everyone happy, no matter how often I want to try, especially when I find myself lacking in the ability to make myself happy a lot. I just want to push forward and be me, whatever that entails cause I'm pretty sure I lost myself a good way back down the road. I may have to backtrack a bit to find it, but maybe in the end I'll be better for it when I find it and then can continue forward on my own path and let my feet walk one of their own choosing, versus falling face first and and stumbling down a path that happened to slip under my feet and then just didn't leave. And here ends my rambling as I shuffle back to work. Blah.

     So the concert last night was absolutely phenomenal. I feel so refreshed and driven after it, I don't even know how to explain it, but it's such a good feeling. Maybe uplifted is a good way to describe it. I dunno. Just know I gotta take the good with the bad and can't constantly keep myself down or always think in a down light or anything. I'm so going to make my last two days off good days and not let anyone drag me down. Bring on the smiles and laughter. I really liked this song from the opening band of the concert. I just think it's great. =)

Rediscovered

     So I was hopping around on past sites of my own and ran into this gem. I definitely didn't write this, but I remember snagging it off one of my friends profiles from RvB, however I also don't know if she even wrote it. Either way, I really liked it then, and I still very much enjoy it now.



Have you ever wonder which hurts the most?
Saying something and wishing you hadn't,
Or saying nothing and wishing you had?

Some times we stand in the shadows wondering which choice is a mistake.
Silence can be a prison,
Words can be a punishment.

I guess the most important things are the hardest things to say.
Don't be afraid to tell some one you love them;
They make break your heart,
In return you could break theirs.

Attraction is a brutal thing.
It poses games, deceit, hiding, and so much truth it could kill.
Actions and words contradict,
Words are harder to find, voice is a funny thing;
You never find it when you want it.

Have you ever decided to not become a couple because you were so afraid of losing what you already had?
Your heart decides whom it likes and does not,
You can't tell your heart what to do;
It does it on its own when you least expect it or want it.

Friendships hold us together and tear us apart.
We build lives around friends; we tear them apart
Friends know you; good friends believe in you, amazing friends read you.
Our hearts will get us through life, what love is built on will get us through everything else

Have you ever wanted to love someone with everything you had;
But that other person was too afraid to let you?
Or maybe you were too afraid.
Too many of us stay walled up because we are too afraid to care too much… for fear that the other person does not care as much
If at all…

Fear keeps a strong grip on me.
My scars are deep and I can't forget how I received them
Fear has ruined my life, no longer shall it

Have you ever denied your feelings for some because your fear of rejection was too hard to handle?
We tell lies when we are afraid… 
Afraid of what we don't know, afraid of what others will think, afraid of what will be found out about us.
Every time we tell a lie, the thing we fear grows stronger.
Life is all about risk and it requires you to jump,
Don't be a person who has to look back and wonder what they would have done or could have had.

I have been afraid of everything…

      I start to say things then find myself deleting them. Full emails get written up without getting sent because I know they'd have no impact and mean nothing, or maybe it's because I worry about what reply I might get.   Guess that's just life... Hmmm what to write before racing off to work...


Words left unspoken, time just drags on.
Reading and rereading what she has,
her heart falls in defeat.
No one to blame but herself,
the thoughts consume her,
eating away at her being.
The light at the end people aim for,
slowly fades from her reaching fingers.
Oblivion.

      I feel like if someone hears something enough, then they'll actually start to believe it, whether it's true or not... I guess that's just part of conditioning and why people lose self-esteem and everything else. No matter how much they try to buff themselves up otherwise and pretend that nothing said or done can hurt them, people just break and believe otherwise.
      Blah, it's so hard to fall asleep, even when I'm running on so little sleep to begin with. I think I'm becoming an insomniac, as much as I actually enjoy my sleep.

     There's so much I want to say, to think, to write, but I can't find the words and I don't think they would matter either way... -.- Blah

Today just seems like one of those days where I wish I didn't exist anywhere except in the depths of oblivion. Nothing seems to go right anymore and just spins out of control. So far gone... Just wish I could stop caring and flip a switch and cut off all emotion. Just feel like things might be easier sometimes then. But that will never happen because I'm human and I have a heart. /sigh

      Friend of mine posted this random tidbit on Facebook and I just found it to be all sorts of ironic...

Dreaming

     Liz could hear the faint whisper of her footsteps as she quietly paced the gazebo. Locks of ember curled their way past her shoulders and cascaded down her back, swayed to the be at of each step. She didn't know what she was waiting for, but it was always the same. She knew this was a dream and would likely wake up just as the shadow of her reason for waiting crossed the threshold of the gazebo. She always only managed to turn enough to know something or someone was there, but as quickly as she tried to spin around, she found herself back in her bed, twisted in her comforter.
      Letting out a sigh, she paused and listened. Her breathing and heart beat were all that she heard at first, but then came he distinct sound of footfalls. Her breath caught and her heart took off. She was almost afraid to turn around not out of fear of what might await her, but that she would wake up again. Slowly she turned around with her hands jammed tightly into the pockets of her jeans. There stood a man, so familiar to her, yet unrecognizable. Her emerald eyes took him in, but even when he stepped into the sliver of light that fell between the cracks, she couldn't see his face. It was as if it were just a shadow. She felt as though she should know him, as if he knew her.
      He took a step closer and held out a hand to her. With each passing second, Liz was afraid she would wake up and never know the end, but still slowly reached out to grasp it. His hand felt comfortable in hers, like it was meant to be there. He pulled her close to him and placed his other hand gently on her hip. She thought for a moment to say something, but this was a dream and she didn't feel alarmed by it. He started to move back in forth, almost to the tune of a silent waltz, so she took his lead and lightly placed her hand on his shoulder. She could conjure up music in her head for each step, and with each movement she wondered who he was. After what she felt were several minutes Liz stopped and just looked at him. She didn't want to stare, but couldn't help herself. Who was he? He never said a word as she ran her hand down the side of his cheek and began to walk toward the greater light outside of the gazebo.
      She looked back to see him follow her but gave a slight pause at the shadow's edge. Liz knew this is where her dream would end, it felt like it had such finality to it. Her eyes followed his feet as one and then the other came out into the streetlight. Slowly with each step, the shadow seemed to slide upwards from his body. She held her breath. One more step and she might be able to finally see his face. His right foot came up and moved forward and then back down, but as soon as the lamp light hit his chin, Liz was yanked back into reality. She woke still holding her breath and let it out slowly. One more night passed of not knowing... How many more would follow like this, getting ever so close and then only having it ripped away?




      So yeah... I should definitely be asleep, but I can't for the life of me. My alarm is going to go off hella early in about four hours... Blarg. Guess I'll go back to trying to sleep, but I figured I might as well write something, and there you have it. Random rambling story bits at midnight.

   

  Sometimes you just need a little pick me up...

     Welp, I'm writing this, so I suppose I made it to and from work safely, with minimal sliding, skidding, and spinning out. Blegh. I hate my care in the snow. I think perhaps my next project shall be saving up for a lovely new car, however I know that will take awhile and I'm not really wanting to look into loans or anything right now, so I shall just have to make the best of it right now. Hmmm what to write about.... I got nothing for now, but I'm sure I'll create something later. Just need to go find something to put my mind into so it'll stop the constant turning of the wheels in my head...

      Waking up late because you can't fall asleep the night before at a good hour and then going out to unbury  your call and realizing that now not only is the snow drift outside your driver door past the top of your boots, but  one outside your passenger side is too. Fml. Here's to hoping I can get out and make it to and from work safely. -.-

     Oh sleep you elude me once again...

      She paused for a moment to listen. Nothing. No sounds, no music. Just silence. She clamped her hands down over her ears, clenching her eyes shut tight, trying desperately to drown out all of her thoughts though to no avail. Each moment of silence was one that wore on for an eternity and felt like it was breaking off another fragment of what she clung so desperately to in order to keep afloat each day. Sighing she rolled back over she turned on her mp3 player. Something needed to fill the void, and while the musical selection was at its worst with timing, it was no longer silent. She slowly let out a sigh and closed her eyes once more, her mind drifting from the past. to the present, and to the future. It never seemed to slow down, never stopped for a break, but ran on forever. This, she knew, would be a very long night...


       Herp derp. Waking up super early to make sure my car is defrosted and ready to go, is going to be a bitch. I don't know when I'll possibly be able to sleep. Here's to trying some more I guess... Crossing my fingers to make it through tomorrow too.

    Woke up late because I couldn't sleep at all last night, to snow all over the place after it being fifty degrees or so yesterday. What the hell Omaha? Tried to get to work and failed miserably. This just isn't my weekend at all. I need the hours, but I need my life and my car to be okay... Here's to hoping all my call-ins for this bullshit don't get me fired. I need a new job anyways, but this one sure isn't nearly as important as my own health and safety and considering it's still snowing, I seriously doubt I'd be making it home at 6:30 tonight. Just another day left to my thoughts...

     She had this feeling of complete and utter helplessness, that her life and world just flew too fast out of control. Nothing felt right and she didn't know what it would take to fix it or how long. So hard to sleep, to think straight, to pull herself together and walk through her day. A tear trailed down her cheek as she stared gloomily at the reflection in the mirror before her. She didn't know who she was, just felt lost. She screamed in rage and slammed her tightened fist into the reflection, effectively shattering it. Pieces collided with her knuckles and rained in fragments to the floor as she fell to her knees sobbing. She didn't know what she was doing anymore. Each movement felt like she was in a fog, like someone else was taking her steps. She was as broken as the mirror.


      I apparently have some sort of fascination with mirrors and reflections and identity. Well, or at least I tend to write about it a lot. who knows. Just something to write I suppose...

      She stood there in front of the mirror, trying to catch her breath, to slow her racing heart. Blue eyes stared at the reflection in the mirror, but it wasn't one she even recognized. Small white straps connected to a white lace bodice that showed off her slender figure and modest chest before hitting her hips, where a ruby sash connected and flowed down to the ground with a train of white split by red behind her. Blonde hair was half pulled up and set in light waves, framing her fair face. Painted eyes and lips completed the ensemble with diamond drop earrings. Who was this woman staring back at her. She was beautiful, and so unknown to her.
      She raised her left hand and placed it against the glass, staring at the ring adorning her finger. This was supposed to be her big day, the one she had always dreamed about, where all of her dreams would come true and it would begin her happily ever after, but it didn't feel that way. She felt like everything was slipping away, like it was all wrong. She tried to reason with herself, to be rational. Hearing the music start though, she lost all breath and nerve. Frantically, she tore at the door that stood between her and her life, and flung it wide open. She took the plunge and ran, avoiding any possible eye contact, darting between objects that would otherwise obstruct her passage. With each step, her throat tightened and her eyes brimmed over with tears. She knew she was breaking his heart and she would probably never get the chance to do it over, but she couldn't stop her feet from moving.
      Out the back double doors of the church and she drew in a large breath as if she had been under water for a long time and her life depended on it. Gulping down her terror she raced towards the street and hailed a cab, imploring it to just go anywhere as she finally broke down in a fit of large gasping sobs. She knew she was a mess, and becoming more of one as the moments ticked on, but such seemed to be her life at the moment....



     Yeah... I don't even know. So random, but there's somethin I suppose. Time for some serious bed, along with being drugged because I'm feeling very very awful. I can't stand being sick. Hope everyone has a better night than I.

100

     It's that moment that you wake up and look at your phone, knowing things are missing, and realizing that everything wasn't just a bad dream and you woke up to your own personal nightmare. Looking in the mirror and seeing how puffy and red your eyes are, hoping the shower will help to make it look better only to see that it made it almost worse. Maybe makeup will help to cover up the sadness. Something light, sparkly, maybe bright red lips to pull attention away from the eyes that plead with people to just leave you alone...


     On a seperate note, this is apparently my 100th post. Huzzah! I know I keep telling myself that I'm going to write more, but I just have a hard time sitting down and doing it. I want to write more though, I need to write more. Maybe I'll try and do at least one a week. I could settle for that, for now. It'd definitely be bettr than how I've been so far. Guess that will be my new goal. I was going to make this post much, much better... But I'm just not in the mood for it today. Hope everyone else has a good day.

     One day.. I'll learn to stop screwing things up. I really can't deal... Just going to bed and hoping to wake up better...