When in doubt... Write.

     I'm the kind of girl, who doesn't get along well with most girls. In fact looking back on my life, Meagan and Krystal were the two closest girl friends I had. Aside from them, everyone else was basically a guy. They're easier to just talk to and hang out with, plus I can play video games and they'll play as well, or at least they won't want to go shopping usually. Ugh. Just because most of my friends are guys, doesn't mean I sleep with them or feel anything for any of them other than friendship. I hate that stereotype of women. Drives me nuts really. Why can't they just be friends and nothing more? There doesn't always have to be some secret that's going untold, or some underlying meaning to their friendship. More often than not though, that is the assumption they get stuck with. Some of us aren't like that at all though.           /rage rant thing
      Sometimes, well most times, I don't have the right words to say. I don't even know what to say for that matter. You try to say nothing be right, and be honest, and things seem to go to hell. It's certainly not for the lack of trying to make everything good. It's funny how much I'd give to just make things right and sunshiney, but my words don't always have that power... Feel like crap, and I need food. I think I'm going to be sick...

She can't concentrate, mind moving fast.
Thoughts everywhere, scattered fragments.
Heart on a string, lesson learned...
Walls go back up, heart reeled in,
yet fragments left in the wakes.
Tender and sore, bitter from caring.
How do you mend it?

Ahead of Myself

     I admit that I don't always make the correct choices in life, and things don't always turn out the way they should, or the way I hope they would, but hell. I'm not perfect. I never claimed to be perfect. Ask anyone who knows me and I'm sure they'll tell you I'm the first to admit how imperfect I am. All I want to do is be me. I want to find a job I actually love. I want just enough money to live comfortably. I don't need to be rich... I just want to be happy. I'm sure I've said it before, but sometimes I just have to reiterate it. I don't know... I've spent the day feeling sick to my stomach and job hunting. Put my resume up, and updated my profile, on at least 3 different search engines, asking random questions of people whom I know have jobs that I'd be interested in trying out. I've physically gone places looking, only to be told it's basically all done online so now I've applied for several different specific jobs. I almost wish I didn't live in an apartment just so we could have a garage sale and maybe I could sell some random stuff I don't use or wear anymore. Yes it could be donated to the Goodwill, and maybe I'll do that instead. I may even donate plasma on the side or something just to be sure I have enough money, and keep searching. After this I'll type up an email to a manager of mine who has already been published and see if he can help me with some of my stuff... It's a long shot, but it's also worth a try....
   
When she talks to you, her stomach turns and a grin is laid bare.
Happiness, an emotion craved and sought after like gold.
Fear of the unknown and a broken heart,
creates an attempt to keep at arm's length.
Constantly failing, and hoping to be caught,
but falling right through arms to the ground;
she breaks down and hides it from sight.
She refuses to show weakness, refuses to go;
she'll fight until there's nothing left.
Her trying often goes unnoticed,
and feels like an attempt in vain,
but at least she knows she was honest and upfront...
She tries not to hold back, to keep to herself;
throwing her heart out on a string,
unraveling at the ends and fraying.
A lack-luster confidence mixed with a heart of gold,
she didn't know what to do...

     I don't know where that came from, or what to even call it. Heh, I know it's nothing amazing, but at least I'm randomly writing something, sometimes.

Moments

     I'll figure out a way to get indenting to work on here without having to hit the space-bar like five times, eventually... Grrr. Anyways... I don't even know what I really wanted to write about. Guess I just had the urge and figured I'd see where it'd go. This is where it feels like leading me:


     Staring off into the cold gray morning mist, Blair blinked back the tears that threatened to spill down her face. Nothing left to call a home, no one left that she knew. All gone and burned within a moment's notice. A horde of the king's dragon fleet came on shadowed wing and left nothing but cinders in its wake. She had been out hunting late when the smell of smoke and the sound of screams permeated the air. Her feet raced as fast as they could, crashing through the brush, but all she could do was stand on a ledge while her village burned to ash. There was nothing special about her village, just a small band of rebels who wouldn't harm anything no matter how much they talked of it. They had been betrayed, but by whom she couldn't have guessed.
     Blair shook her head to clear the images, placing a hand over her eyes as if to create a shield to block them out. Nothing worked though. She woke drenched in a cold sweat night after night. Each morning she would try to push back the memory and keep walking. Many villages she passed had acquired the same fate, each laying in a charred ruin. She just had to tell her feet to keep moving and not to look at the burned corpses of the residents, who had obviously been shut inside their houses. These were bleak days and things didn't seem like they were in for a quick change any time soon...



     Hmmm... I'll figure out if I want to go anywhere with that, or just scrap it, later. Right now I suppose I should try to sleep since I'm waking up semi early to attempt to get my car licensed in NE finally. Huzzah!

Time Slips

It's funny, the more friends I see see getting married and having children, the more I realize I just want to settle and yet I feel so very far from it... I want to have a stable full-time job with a house and someone to share my happiness and experiences with. I just don't see it happening. Depressing or not, stuff happens and it can't be helped, just kinda wish otherwise. Just want have that sort of joy, and I'm quite tired of wandering about looking for it. I think I'm just going to sit back and let whatever happens, happen. If it's meant to be, it'll happen, if not, then I'll be happy with what I have. =)