You know that wall that comes up when something happens and it doesn't fully let you process what happened for a period of time and then that wall crumbles and it all floods over you? I think that's the only way to describe it. I shut myself down, push things away, react from afar as if it isn't actually happening, and then it suddenly hits me that it's all really happening. It hits hard and it hits fast and all the emotions kept carefully bottled up and out of sight are suddenly on display for everyone to see. I can definitely say it's not a happy feeling and I wish I had done things differently/better, but I'm only human and I can only do my best and grow as I go.

“We’re traveling in opposite directions. Every time we meet, I know him more, he knows me less. I live for the days when I see him. But I know that every time I do, he’ll be one step further away. And the day is coming when I’ll look into that man’s eyes… my Doctor… and he won’t have the faintest idea

who I am. And I think it’s going to kill me.” - River Song, Doctor Who

     I have a case of the feels tonight... Abnormal and uncomfortable... I guess now is as good a time as any to crawl into bed and pull the covers over my head and just curl up...

     While probably about 99.9% of the time I will claim to be the most indecisive person that you could ever meet, I think I'm far more decisive than I let on. It's the second guessing myself/my choices, and how they may effect a person or how that particular person might take my answer, that makes the "I don't knows" and "up to yous" come out so quickly. If someone asks me "what would you like to eat?" Chances are I could honestly come up with a bajillion different things that sound yummy at the moment, but I don't want to pick something that the other person has zero interest in or wouldn't like. Perhaps that's why I may ask for a type of food or something else to choose from, or just say "I don't care" before I even think about it.
      I suppose this, among other things, is why I tend to let myself get walked over. I would often rather bend to the whims of another and make them happy, rather than just do something for myself. Not only that, but I think at this point there's a good possibility that it's become a habit more so than something I like to do. Sometimes it's just nice to do something for yourself, no matter how rare that occasion may be. The problem for me is the ability to speak up for myself and say "Hey! This is what I actually want to do. This is what would make me happy." My meek/mild and non-confrontational nature has destroyed that ability, not to mention my lack in self-confidence.
      I think if I set any sort of goal for myself this year, it's to gain some confidence. To not look in the mirror and grimace, but accept it and tell myself I'm beautiful. To wear something that I normally wouldn't because it's too "flashy" or out there. To just be happy with myself and who I am, and not rely on the image of myself crafted by others, or be shaped by the opinions of others. I think I just want to be a bit more true to myself and not confine myself to the box my self-consciousness puts me in.


     Here's to a much better 2016, than 2015. I know I'm writing this in February, but hey, since when do I do anything in a normal sense of time?