Pandora

     I love my Pandora stations, however they also tend to magically start picking out songs that just go perfectly with a mood or thought process. In a way it's obnoxious, but what can you do? The stations themselves are usually quite lovely.

"I Won't Give Up"

When I look into your eyes
It's like watching the night sky
Or a beautiful sunrise
Well, there's so much they hold
And just like them old stars
I see that you've come so far
To be right where you are
How old is your soul?

Well, I won't give up on us
Even if the skies get rough
I'm giving you all my love
I'm still looking up

And when you're needing your space
To do some navigating
I'll be here patiently waiting
To see what you find

'Cause even the stars they burn
Some even fall to the earth
We've got a lot to learn
God knows we're worth it
No, I won't give up

I don't wanna be someone who walks away so easily
I'm here to stay and make the difference that I can make
Our differences they do a lot to teach us how to use
The tools and gifts we got, yeah, we got a lot at stake
And in the end, you're still my friend at least we did intend
For us to work we didn't break, we didn't burn
We had to learn how to bend without the world caving in
I had to learn what I've got, and what I'm not, and who I am

I won't give up on us
Even if the skies get rough
I'm giving you all my love
I'm still looking up, still looking up.

Well, I won't give up on us (no I'm not giving up)
God knows I'm tough enough (I am tough, I am loved)
We've got a lot to learn (we're alive, we are loved)
God knows we're worth it (and we're worth it)

I won't give up on us
Even if the skies get rough
I'm giving you all my love
I'm still looking up

     It never ceases to amaze me how much water we have in our bodies, particularly in the form of tears. -.- I would just like to wake up from the nightmare that has become my reality. I don't have the control to change it though. Kinda have to go with whatever is wanted elsewhere. I hate ranting and being down ever, but damnit if I don't have the worst luck in the world when it comes to ANYTHING. Distraction time...

     That moment when you feel like your world is crashing down upon you and you're suffocating because you have zero control. Yeah, today is one of those days....

The Feels

How To Fall in Love With Someone Who's Been in Love Before

I thoroughly enjoyed reading this.

      I can definitely say that feeling like you're alone is the worst. Blah. I need a good paying job pronto so I can get this show on the road.

      That moment where you stare aimlessly at your computer because you can't manage to fall asleep, and your mind lingers on just one thing... I wish I could just fall asleep but my mind and body say that is absolutely not a choice. I could lay in bed for hours and it doesn't help me at all. most obnoxious thing ever... Maybe I'll see about investing in some Zzquil or whatever it's called now. Something's gotta give.

       Happened to see this gem on a friend's Facebook. Seems pretty easy to relate to to me.

      Guess I'm getting worse at keeping up with this but maybe I'll try to write more now that I'm back home in Oklahoma. Things are definitely different. Last time I was here the tornado had ripped through and wiped out so much. I just about miss the entrance to my neighborhood every time I'm out driving, because where there used to be houses, there is absolutely nothing but grass and weeds. It's a bit disheartening to see, but I am happy to be home. I love the company of the dogs, and I have to do whatever I can to push myself back on my feet and get to a point where I can help to create the future I want. I know it's always hard as hell starting and definitely hard on your own, but I know it won't be that way forever and I have to do my part to help me get to that point. I am ready for it though. Ready to be back in a good place. Ready to get to where I want to be. Ready to close a gap that will be around for far too long. Here's to new beginnings and possibilities, to pushing oneself to be better and more than you or anyone else expects. Here's to moving in a real direction of my own choosing.

Coming to a Close

       For the last week I've been up here at my grandparent's cabin in Minnesota. I've tried to relax and have fun, but it always seems so hard when you worry about everything under the sun. For me, it's worrying about packing and making sure everything is out, the place is clean, and I'm set to go. Moving is always so stressful, and there's a lot I will be leaving behind here and will miss dearly, but I'm more than ready to be home in Oklahoma. I'm ready to see my family again, maybe catch up with some old friends. I don't really know. Omaha is great and I've acquired a few really good friends, but it's never really felt like Home. That's what Oklahoma is, Home. Tornadoes may come and rip apart my life and those I care about around me, but it's where I grew up, where I went to school, and where I made so many friends and memories. It's hard to break away from all of that. I did it for two years, and craved being near my Home and family all the time. Time to start all over again.

You know when sometimes you meet someone so beautiful — and then you actually talk to them and five minutes later they're as dull as a brick; but then there's other people. And you meet them and you think, "Not bad, they're okay," and when you get to know them ... their face just, sort of, becomes them, like their personality's written all over it, and they just — they turn into something so beautiful.

-Amy Pond (Doctor Who)

      Definitely one of my favorite quotes, and it applies so well to life. You meet so many people in day to day interactions and sometimes they seem so amazing at first, but then you get to know them and it's like "Wow, what happened to you?" Other times, when you see someone you're not at all impressed, or intrigued, but as time passes their personality just comes out and shines more than anything else and it just becomes them. I guess that's just how it goes. I think that whole getting to know someone thing, is absolutely the best part and allows all of their characteristics to come out and you can finally get to know them on a better level and they become so much more. 

      I'm not the easiest person to get to know, because I often have issues opening up and showing myself more than maybe what a person wants to see. I think maybe this once, it's worth opening myself up more, letting those walls come down a bit. It's hard to leave oneself open to such vulnerabilities, but often it's for the best. I'm not even sure I know what I'm talking about anymore. I think it's just going around in circles, but eeehhhh. Seems like my average post.

Happy Father's Day

      Boy, I am the epitome of a bad blogger. I don't keep up with this thing worth anything. Well, I suppose that I should say Happy Father's Day, to all who happen to possibly cross my blog. Once again, I am TERRIBLE at sending things out so I shall just write a bit and then just make my lovely little phone call tomorrow.

      My dad... Where do I even begin? My dad was the one who first instilled, and then pushed me farther with my skating. He was more than just a dad then, he was my coach and my biggest fan. He has always been that way though. I can remember the first really sentimental card he gave me. We were heading to a high school football game after something or another around Valentine's Day and he handed it to me while we were in the car.

"Holly-
      You've grown so much, you've become a young lady right before my eyes. It seems only yesterday that I was rocking you to sleep and changing your, oh well we don't need to go there. Just remember that even though I'm very bad at expressing how I feel, I'll always be very proud that you are my daughter and I love you very much.
      Happy Valentine's Day
                Dad."

      I was seconds away from crying like a little baby when I first read that, even now it makes my eyes water. I've kept all the little notes, the cards, the memories, throughout the years. I couldn't have ever asked for a better father. Always supportive, always there for me, always able to be counted on. I don't say it very often, because I always try to be less of a sentimental person, but I love him to death. I live for the moments I get to go home and see the smile on his face and my mom's. His goofy sense of humor never fails to put a smile on my face, whether it be a text, a phone call, Skype, or in person. It's just always a laugh and a smile that I get when he's around. I can't wait to go home this summer...

      Thunder so massive that it shakes the ground beneath your feet? Oh yes please! I love thunderstorms. I love to listen to the rain fall outside, or on the roof. It's so calming and relaxing. ^_^

Just a Post

     I'm sure people are tired of hearing about the tornado in Moore, OK, but since I haven't written anything in awhile and such I just feel like putting my thoughts and whatnot down somewhere and decided my blog is as good a place as any.

      I woke up that morning, and the day was nice as can be. I hadn't checked the weather or anything, but it was sunny with the normal gusty winds of Oklahoma that I grew up with. I obviously didn't think anything of it as I drove to Walmart and got some dog food, oil and an oil filter so Bobby could change my oil, and a small pint of my favorite Ben &Jerry's Ice Cream. Shoot, I even got home and took some random goofy pics with Jude just cause.

      After Bobby took my car back to work with him, effectively leaving his in the driveway next to Danny's Rav-4, I went back to laying around on the day bed on the back porch and watched the Doctor Who finale, which I thoroughly enjoyed. After a couple hours I get a phone call from my mom telling me to start watching the weather because there was a tornado on the radar and she thought it was heading toward us. I'll admit, I've been through many, many tornadoes, to the point I would honestly say I was desensitized to them. I've had to take cover and done the millions of drills, but they've never gotten close enough to do damage to the house or those around me, until this one. I was at home with my youngest brother Danny, my grandmother, the five dogs and two cats, and I can honestly say I've never been scared of a tornado like I was this time. 

      My brother walked onto the porch, after being on the phone with my dad, and looked back at me and said, "Yeah... We should go take shelter now." I got up from the bed and looked out the window and my heart dropped a bit. I could see the sky darken, and the clouds spinning in the background. At that point, I grabbed a few things and began corralling the dogs into the bathroom and getting my grandmother in there as well. Right as we got just about everyone in there Jude decides he doesn't want to be in there and takes off towards the back door. I chased after him because I couldn't grab him, since I had taken off his harness earlier that day. When I got to him, he was at the backdoor and I could feel my heart take off. I could see so much dust and dirt being kicked up and the windows starting to be blacked out due to mud being flung up on them. I grabbed Jude and ran back to the bathroom and sat on the floor in that very crowded room. Yes, I know I should have been in the bathtub, and grabbing all the pets probably wasn't going to help if we got hit, but it couldn't be helped. 

       Those minutes we were in there dragged on forever. It was hot and stuffy and I tried to keep from panicking as I clutched my phone and listened to the roar of the tornado come closer to us. The power flickered on and off again until we heard a rather large "thunk" on what I thought was the roof, and then it went completely black. I could hear things being tossed around and the tornado's roar as it moved along the ground. That was the first time I can honestly remember being scared of a tornado, the first time I worried about if it would truly hit my house and if we would all make it out of it alive and unharmed. I am so very thankful that we did. When the sound moved off and we no longer heard the wind or the sounds of things moving around, we slowly moved out of the bathroom and my brother and I went out to the front yard. Originally, I didn't know how bad this tornado truly was. Our house sustained minimal damage between windows being busted out in the vehicles and the roof, well and the trees and shrubs and such being ripped apart, we had it easy. I only realized just how bad it was when I went to check on Meagan's dad, two blocks from us. Thankfully he was alright and his house fared much better than those around him, but I was shocked. I couldn't believe I was still walking through the neighborhood I had grown up in and spent so many years of my life in. This is the view I saw looking out from his driveway.

      Once I got back to my house I learned that both my old Elementary School, Briarwood, and Plaza Towers got hit by this deadly tornado. A total of 24 people were killed and 237 were injured. Completely unreal to me. I frantically kept trying to get texts and calls out to not only let people know that me and my family were alive and alright, but to try and find out how other people fared. I expected it to be bad, obviously, but the feeling of disconnect due to it was kind of unreal. I felt helpless in not knowing how I could help or let people know how we ended up. It was crazy to watch trucks with beds full of children from Briarwood come down the street to take the kids to a safe spot half-way back into the neighborhood.

      At Danny's graduation, which wasn't canceled although Bobby's was, there was a large group of people that held up a picture of a girl as one of the kids walked across the stage. We didn't know or understand til the next morning, that the pictures were actually of that child's mother, who didn't make it through the tornado. I almost cried in hearing that. I couldn't imagine how hard that would be, and what it would be like to be in that situation. My heart wept for the graduate and her family...

       I'm not often the very sentimental or emotional type, but I kinda just had the urge to write and here's what came out. People don't understand why I'd move back to Oklahoma, which I do plan on doing when my lease is up, but it's my home and always has been. Now there's plenty to help my family and friends with back home as well. I can't wait to do it.

      Well Mother's Day was nice. Got to chase Jude all over the dog park and get a bit burnt in the face, but it was all in good fun. I need to look around for a nice-ish lake that has a sand bottom versus all the mud. Then I could actually go out into the water with Jude. Swimming would be lovely. Time for me to crash though, so tired.

Mother's Day

     First and foremost, happy mother's day to all those who happen to stumble across my blog or continue to read it for the kicks and giggles. Secondly, and most importantly, happy mother's day to my mom whom I will sadly not be able to see yet.

      I am probably the biggest procrastinator you will ever meet, and I am the absolute WORST when it comes to mailing things out on time to absolutely anyone, so I decided this would be my little mother's day gift instead.

      This is my gorgeous, wonderful mother, with my father of course. It's hard to find all the words that would describe my mom. Kind, compassionate, intelligent, resourceful, dependable, amazing. I would use so many more, but they would become repetitive and redundant. My mother is honestly the strongest woman I know, and the only person I can honestly say that I really look up to. I would be lucky and happy to be even half the woman she is today. She brought four unruly children into the world and has been able to watch as each grows up and becomes a (mostly)civil adult, hehe (we were all so cute back then, bahahaha).

      While other little girls were stuck taking dance and piano lessons, I was the lucky one who got to do figure skating, on rollerskates! My mother and father were my absolute biggest supporters with anything from the seven a.m. practices, to the large amount of time it took for my mom to get me ready before a meet. I used to be able to sit on my hair it was so long, and she managed to take that beast into a presentable bun and get it to stay put for hours, not to mention trying to get me to stay still long enough to paint my face all pretty, that took effort. She was also the one who took me to many skating meets. If my father couldn't get enough time away from work, then my mom would drive me to the meet herself which could be states away. granted, I don't remember many when my father wasn't there, but I think there were a couple.

      As I personally continued to group up, I managed to find all sorts of clubs and activities and such to throw my time into, when I wasn't wanting to play my video games, heh. She was always a major supporter of the band and every thing I possibly wanted to do and could possibly do. I honestly couldn't ask for any more. I know when I was younger, I definitely took this for granted, but I appreciate it all more than she will ever know. I see everything she does now and continues to try to do for everyone, and I'm just amazed that any one person can do so much. She makes me so very proud to call her mom. She has done great raising us and taking care of us, and our friends, and now her mom. I only wish I could do more for her. she taught me so many things, including the ability to handle each situation with tact and grace. Well... I may still fail in that department, but it's good for a few laughs (yes, this goat was trying to eat my jacket).

      I miss my family a lot being up here and so far away, but that just means I cherish the time I get to spend with them when I'm there. I'm not one who like to admit my weaknesses, but that last hug before leaving and then walking away unsure of the next time I will get to see her is one of the most heart breaking feelings ever. I don't think there has ever been a time where I didn't cry because of it. I can definitely say I've had my differences with her growing up, but I know I wasn't always right and she wasn't always wrong. I was just blinded by youth and lack of experiences to understand it, and know that everything she ever did was to try and help me, to push me forward. I love my mother to death and hope she is having the best mother's day, and hopefully this counts just as much as a card, because I'm horrible at those, heh.

     I feel like I start to look like her more and more. This picture just hit me with it when I looked at it. Made me smile, hehe.

     "We feel as if we must make a choice now, whether or not we are ready. Although the spontaneous Aries Moon provokes immediate action, we could choose unwisely if we forget to take our time before making promises we can’t keep. Additionally, the Moon’s harsh alignments with wild Uranus and passionate Pluto set us on an emotional roller coaster. It’s hard to settle our feelings down since needy Venus in stubborn Taurus stirs up even more stress."


      Really daily horoscope? You make today sound even worse than I'm pretty sure it already will be... The hell...

     Rewatching all of Doctor Who again, like a boss. It's something that usually keeps my mind occupied at least, and let's face it, Doctor Who is amazing.

      I'm the best at putting up walls, at throwing up a mask of indifference, and being able to pretend like I don't care; that things don't bother me. Downside? You're constantly labeled as cold-hearted, having no emotions. Problem there? Things cut far deeper than anyone could know and my mind thinks on them. Just have to keep pushing, keep smiling even when it doesn't feel possible. Just put one foot in front of the other.

      Oh tonight is so one of those nights where I could rip someone's head off without a second thought. No common sense, no consideration, and endless hours of stupidity. I just don't even have the words to express my rage and unhappiness at it all. Time to go do something and throw my mind into it before I bite someone's head off...

     Sometimes, it's best to know when to hold your head high and just walk the fuck away... Somehow, I missed this lesson and am the biggest glutton for punishment... /Exhausted

      She placed a hand on his cheek, staring into his sapphire eyes and reminding herself to breathe. She felt as if she could fall into those two bodies of water, drowning in their depths. Those eyes spoke of so much history, of past pains and sorrows, of joys and achievements, and all the possibilities of the future. They were timeless eyes. Her beat wildly as she drew herself up on her toes, lightly caressing his soft lips with her ruby painted ones. That moment sealed in eternity as one shared between two silent lovers. One touch, one meaning far more than words could express. Her heart yearned for this to be forever, but something insisted that this would be fleeting.
      She drew back slowly and opened her mouth to speak, but before any sounds could leave those lips she found herself wide awake staring off into the dark. She took a deep breath and stilled her runaway heart before rolling back onto her side. She huddled under her blanket and resigned herself to falling back asleep. Another dream...

That moment when you realized that things still feel very weird, empty sometimes even. Just going with the flow and seeing where you end up. Sometimes it's all you can do to keep your head above the water and breathe.

     So sitting on my lunch break and realizing I have about ten minutes left and what do I have the urge to do? Write. Not completely sure about what, but I just kind of want to let my fingers wander over my MP3 player and see what happens to come out. I have never been the best at expressing my emotions or in general finding a good outlet to let them out, but writing seems the best way since I can't ever seem to find my voice whenever I want to or should. I think I'm tired of caring, tired of trying to make everyone else happy while I put on a face to try and seem happy as I go along with it. I know I can't make everyone happy, no matter how often I want to try, especially when I find myself lacking in the ability to make myself happy a lot. I just want to push forward and be me, whatever that entails cause I'm pretty sure I lost myself a good way back down the road. I may have to backtrack a bit to find it, but maybe in the end I'll be better for it when I find it and then can continue forward on my own path and let my feet walk one of their own choosing, versus falling face first and and stumbling down a path that happened to slip under my feet and then just didn't leave. And here ends my rambling as I shuffle back to work. Blah.

     So the concert last night was absolutely phenomenal. I feel so refreshed and driven after it, I don't even know how to explain it, but it's such a good feeling. Maybe uplifted is a good way to describe it. I dunno. Just know I gotta take the good with the bad and can't constantly keep myself down or always think in a down light or anything. I'm so going to make my last two days off good days and not let anyone drag me down. Bring on the smiles and laughter. I really liked this song from the opening band of the concert. I just think it's great. =)

Rediscovered

     So I was hopping around on past sites of my own and ran into this gem. I definitely didn't write this, but I remember snagging it off one of my friends profiles from RvB, however I also don't know if she even wrote it. Either way, I really liked it then, and I still very much enjoy it now.



Have you ever wonder which hurts the most?
Saying something and wishing you hadn't,
Or saying nothing and wishing you had?

Some times we stand in the shadows wondering which choice is a mistake.
Silence can be a prison,
Words can be a punishment.

I guess the most important things are the hardest things to say.
Don't be afraid to tell some one you love them;
They make break your heart,
In return you could break theirs.

Attraction is a brutal thing.
It poses games, deceit, hiding, and so much truth it could kill.
Actions and words contradict,
Words are harder to find, voice is a funny thing;
You never find it when you want it.

Have you ever decided to not become a couple because you were so afraid of losing what you already had?
Your heart decides whom it likes and does not,
You can't tell your heart what to do;
It does it on its own when you least expect it or want it.

Friendships hold us together and tear us apart.
We build lives around friends; we tear them apart
Friends know you; good friends believe in you, amazing friends read you.
Our hearts will get us through life, what love is built on will get us through everything else

Have you ever wanted to love someone with everything you had;
But that other person was too afraid to let you?
Or maybe you were too afraid.
Too many of us stay walled up because we are too afraid to care too much… for fear that the other person does not care as much
If at all…

Fear keeps a strong grip on me.
My scars are deep and I can't forget how I received them
Fear has ruined my life, no longer shall it

Have you ever denied your feelings for some because your fear of rejection was too hard to handle?
We tell lies when we are afraid… 
Afraid of what we don't know, afraid of what others will think, afraid of what will be found out about us.
Every time we tell a lie, the thing we fear grows stronger.
Life is all about risk and it requires you to jump,
Don't be a person who has to look back and wonder what they would have done or could have had.

I have been afraid of everything…

      I start to say things then find myself deleting them. Full emails get written up without getting sent because I know they'd have no impact and mean nothing, or maybe it's because I worry about what reply I might get.   Guess that's just life... Hmmm what to write before racing off to work...


Words left unspoken, time just drags on.
Reading and rereading what she has,
her heart falls in defeat.
No one to blame but herself,
the thoughts consume her,
eating away at her being.
The light at the end people aim for,
slowly fades from her reaching fingers.
Oblivion.

      I feel like if someone hears something enough, then they'll actually start to believe it, whether it's true or not... I guess that's just part of conditioning and why people lose self-esteem and everything else. No matter how much they try to buff themselves up otherwise and pretend that nothing said or done can hurt them, people just break and believe otherwise.
      Blah, it's so hard to fall asleep, even when I'm running on so little sleep to begin with. I think I'm becoming an insomniac, as much as I actually enjoy my sleep.

     There's so much I want to say, to think, to write, but I can't find the words and I don't think they would matter either way... -.- Blah

Today just seems like one of those days where I wish I didn't exist anywhere except in the depths of oblivion. Nothing seems to go right anymore and just spins out of control. So far gone... Just wish I could stop caring and flip a switch and cut off all emotion. Just feel like things might be easier sometimes then. But that will never happen because I'm human and I have a heart. /sigh

      Friend of mine posted this random tidbit on Facebook and I just found it to be all sorts of ironic...

Dreaming

     Liz could hear the faint whisper of her footsteps as she quietly paced the gazebo. Locks of ember curled their way past her shoulders and cascaded down her back, swayed to the be at of each step. She didn't know what she was waiting for, but it was always the same. She knew this was a dream and would likely wake up just as the shadow of her reason for waiting crossed the threshold of the gazebo. She always only managed to turn enough to know something or someone was there, but as quickly as she tried to spin around, she found herself back in her bed, twisted in her comforter.
      Letting out a sigh, she paused and listened. Her breathing and heart beat were all that she heard at first, but then came he distinct sound of footfalls. Her breath caught and her heart took off. She was almost afraid to turn around not out of fear of what might await her, but that she would wake up again. Slowly she turned around with her hands jammed tightly into the pockets of her jeans. There stood a man, so familiar to her, yet unrecognizable. Her emerald eyes took him in, but even when he stepped into the sliver of light that fell between the cracks, she couldn't see his face. It was as if it were just a shadow. She felt as though she should know him, as if he knew her.
      He took a step closer and held out a hand to her. With each passing second, Liz was afraid she would wake up and never know the end, but still slowly reached out to grasp it. His hand felt comfortable in hers, like it was meant to be there. He pulled her close to him and placed his other hand gently on her hip. She thought for a moment to say something, but this was a dream and she didn't feel alarmed by it. He started to move back in forth, almost to the tune of a silent waltz, so she took his lead and lightly placed her hand on his shoulder. She could conjure up music in her head for each step, and with each movement she wondered who he was. After what she felt were several minutes Liz stopped and just looked at him. She didn't want to stare, but couldn't help herself. Who was he? He never said a word as she ran her hand down the side of his cheek and began to walk toward the greater light outside of the gazebo.
      She looked back to see him follow her but gave a slight pause at the shadow's edge. Liz knew this is where her dream would end, it felt like it had such finality to it. Her eyes followed his feet as one and then the other came out into the streetlight. Slowly with each step, the shadow seemed to slide upwards from his body. She held her breath. One more step and she might be able to finally see his face. His right foot came up and moved forward and then back down, but as soon as the lamp light hit his chin, Liz was yanked back into reality. She woke still holding her breath and let it out slowly. One more night passed of not knowing... How many more would follow like this, getting ever so close and then only having it ripped away?




      So yeah... I should definitely be asleep, but I can't for the life of me. My alarm is going to go off hella early in about four hours... Blarg. Guess I'll go back to trying to sleep, but I figured I might as well write something, and there you have it. Random rambling story bits at midnight.

   

  Sometimes you just need a little pick me up...

     Welp, I'm writing this, so I suppose I made it to and from work safely, with minimal sliding, skidding, and spinning out. Blegh. I hate my care in the snow. I think perhaps my next project shall be saving up for a lovely new car, however I know that will take awhile and I'm not really wanting to look into loans or anything right now, so I shall just have to make the best of it right now. Hmmm what to write about.... I got nothing for now, but I'm sure I'll create something later. Just need to go find something to put my mind into so it'll stop the constant turning of the wheels in my head...

      Waking up late because you can't fall asleep the night before at a good hour and then going out to unbury  your call and realizing that now not only is the snow drift outside your driver door past the top of your boots, but  one outside your passenger side is too. Fml. Here's to hoping I can get out and make it to and from work safely. -.-

     Oh sleep you elude me once again...

      She paused for a moment to listen. Nothing. No sounds, no music. Just silence. She clamped her hands down over her ears, clenching her eyes shut tight, trying desperately to drown out all of her thoughts though to no avail. Each moment of silence was one that wore on for an eternity and felt like it was breaking off another fragment of what she clung so desperately to in order to keep afloat each day. Sighing she rolled back over she turned on her mp3 player. Something needed to fill the void, and while the musical selection was at its worst with timing, it was no longer silent. She slowly let out a sigh and closed her eyes once more, her mind drifting from the past. to the present, and to the future. It never seemed to slow down, never stopped for a break, but ran on forever. This, she knew, would be a very long night...


       Herp derp. Waking up super early to make sure my car is defrosted and ready to go, is going to be a bitch. I don't know when I'll possibly be able to sleep. Here's to trying some more I guess... Crossing my fingers to make it through tomorrow too.

    Woke up late because I couldn't sleep at all last night, to snow all over the place after it being fifty degrees or so yesterday. What the hell Omaha? Tried to get to work and failed miserably. This just isn't my weekend at all. I need the hours, but I need my life and my car to be okay... Here's to hoping all my call-ins for this bullshit don't get me fired. I need a new job anyways, but this one sure isn't nearly as important as my own health and safety and considering it's still snowing, I seriously doubt I'd be making it home at 6:30 tonight. Just another day left to my thoughts...

     She had this feeling of complete and utter helplessness, that her life and world just flew too fast out of control. Nothing felt right and she didn't know what it would take to fix it or how long. So hard to sleep, to think straight, to pull herself together and walk through her day. A tear trailed down her cheek as she stared gloomily at the reflection in the mirror before her. She didn't know who she was, just felt lost. She screamed in rage and slammed her tightened fist into the reflection, effectively shattering it. Pieces collided with her knuckles and rained in fragments to the floor as she fell to her knees sobbing. She didn't know what she was doing anymore. Each movement felt like she was in a fog, like someone else was taking her steps. She was as broken as the mirror.


      I apparently have some sort of fascination with mirrors and reflections and identity. Well, or at least I tend to write about it a lot. who knows. Just something to write I suppose...

      She stood there in front of the mirror, trying to catch her breath, to slow her racing heart. Blue eyes stared at the reflection in the mirror, but it wasn't one she even recognized. Small white straps connected to a white lace bodice that showed off her slender figure and modest chest before hitting her hips, where a ruby sash connected and flowed down to the ground with a train of white split by red behind her. Blonde hair was half pulled up and set in light waves, framing her fair face. Painted eyes and lips completed the ensemble with diamond drop earrings. Who was this woman staring back at her. She was beautiful, and so unknown to her.
      She raised her left hand and placed it against the glass, staring at the ring adorning her finger. This was supposed to be her big day, the one she had always dreamed about, where all of her dreams would come true and it would begin her happily ever after, but it didn't feel that way. She felt like everything was slipping away, like it was all wrong. She tried to reason with herself, to be rational. Hearing the music start though, she lost all breath and nerve. Frantically, she tore at the door that stood between her and her life, and flung it wide open. She took the plunge and ran, avoiding any possible eye contact, darting between objects that would otherwise obstruct her passage. With each step, her throat tightened and her eyes brimmed over with tears. She knew she was breaking his heart and she would probably never get the chance to do it over, but she couldn't stop her feet from moving.
      Out the back double doors of the church and she drew in a large breath as if she had been under water for a long time and her life depended on it. Gulping down her terror she raced towards the street and hailed a cab, imploring it to just go anywhere as she finally broke down in a fit of large gasping sobs. She knew she was a mess, and becoming more of one as the moments ticked on, but such seemed to be her life at the moment....



     Yeah... I don't even know. So random, but there's somethin I suppose. Time for some serious bed, along with being drugged because I'm feeling very very awful. I can't stand being sick. Hope everyone has a better night than I.

100

     It's that moment that you wake up and look at your phone, knowing things are missing, and realizing that everything wasn't just a bad dream and you woke up to your own personal nightmare. Looking in the mirror and seeing how puffy and red your eyes are, hoping the shower will help to make it look better only to see that it made it almost worse. Maybe makeup will help to cover up the sadness. Something light, sparkly, maybe bright red lips to pull attention away from the eyes that plead with people to just leave you alone...


     On a seperate note, this is apparently my 100th post. Huzzah! I know I keep telling myself that I'm going to write more, but I just have a hard time sitting down and doing it. I want to write more though, I need to write more. Maybe I'll try and do at least one a week. I could settle for that, for now. It'd definitely be bettr than how I've been so far. Guess that will be my new goal. I was going to make this post much, much better... But I'm just not in the mood for it today. Hope everyone else has a good day.

     One day.. I'll learn to stop screwing things up. I really can't deal... Just going to bed and hoping to wake up better...

     So today has been a day where I let my emotions get away from me. Just been ups and downs and all sorts of crazy with being busy at work too. I don't know why I do it, just all sorts of blah... Anyways, two things got to me today, a song and a picture. Just made me actually tear up and cry a tad. Not very often that things elicit such emotion from me.

      Explains so much, doesn't it....

     Today has been one of those days. Sometimes I feel like I just need to take a step back from everyone and everything in my life. I've been waking up from nightmares for at least the last month or so and that would normally be an uncommon thing for me, but apparently not anymore. I know I have control over everything in my life, but it often feels like the rug is just being ripped out from under me and then all I do is fall and hit the cold hard ground. I think a lot of the nightmares and even my being sick maybe has to do with feeling stressed. I've never dealt well with it, though I may be able to give off the appearance as such... I just need a way and time to relax. Get away from all the craziness and stress and find myself some peace...

     She glared at her phone as if it would blow apart just by her mind willing it; the other option being to throw it against the opposite wall of her room as hard as possible. Granted, both these options would leave her without a phone and it would be wise to keep it more or less in tact for work. Sighing, she turned it on silent and threw it into the corner of her bed. She refused to look at it any more tonight. Arguing created more stress and frustration to her life and that wasn't something she wanted, nor something that her body handled well. Leaning back against the multitude of pillows, blue eyes darted from one end of the room to the other. She needed a distraction. Something...


     Maybe one day I'll piece all the little excerpts that I write, into one whole and coherent story. I think I'd like that..

     So I had forgotten how completely god awful it is to be really sick. Being stuck in bed for long periods of time with a fever and congestion is just obnoxious. I hate sounding so scratchy and robotic like. Just blegh. Not being able to breathe right is always a pain too. Maybe I'll write more later today or tomorrow. I've been slacking off with this plague that my co-workers and customers have brought upon me. Evil people. If you're sick, just stay home! If you need to, take some meds, an extra day to rest, wash your hands real good and carry around some sanitizer. I don't want your sickness ever again. >.<

     Sometimes when you're really stressed, it just helps to close your eyes and listen to music. My head feels like it is constantly having someone drum against it. Whether it's from stress, my headset, or something else I don't even know. I just know it hurts like hell and annoys me to no end. The only thing that seems to calm it is laying in my bed with the lights out and a warm rag over my eyes with some of my music playing softly. Blah. I'll bet that good night's sleep would help a hell of a lot, but between this and that and the other thing, I just can't manage to get one. I'll cross my fingers for one of these nights...

     I've decided that I don't need a title for everything. If you always use one, then you often waste some of the most amazing ones and it just never feels right to constantly reuse them. It's all good though. I'm kind of considering taking a nap, since I've been more of an insomniac of late. It's not that I don't want to sleep or anything, just my body decides to wake up every three hours or so, or there's nightmares that often wake me up. Between the two I just tend I have quite the broken sleep pattern. I would thoroughly enjoy a good 8-9 hour, uninterrupted, night of sleep. Just may have to go buy myself some zquil or whatever for that. We'll see if it gets any better.  For now though, I'm drawing a complete blank as to where I'm going from here. Perhaps I will try to nap. Woo!

     Sometimes, things just get beyond your control or anything you can do, no matter how much you want to do something and make it better... Going to be a long night with my thoughts...

Shine

     Sometimes I simple song can lead to the greatest breakdown or the greatest pick me up. I have always loved this song, but at the moment, it just kind of speaks to me... Not really sure how I can possibly explain it, but it does...

     She furiously paced up and down the small open space in her bedroom. Her emotions were in turmoil and rage was the easiest one to grab and hold on tightly to. Every day a new accusation. Every day one to often build on old. Something had to be done, but there was nothing she could do. Knowing when to give up and let things go had never been her strong point, and she wasn't about to stop now about something she felt passionately about. Something she cared deeply about. What did it matter though?
     She sighed haughtily in resignation and fell onto her bed, burying her face in the multitudes of pillows that adorned it. Silent tears cascaded across cheeks flushed with anger. Being like this was something she hated. She felt weak and fragile, even when she knew she was stronger than she often gave herself credit for. A jingle of tags and a shake of the bed brought her out of her brooding. Her dog crept up beside her and laid his head on the blanket under her. A simple gesture. Just an acknowledgement of his presence and wanting to be near. She rubbed his head and crawled under her comforter, praying this wouldn't be another sleepless night.


     I don't know. I've been having off and on urges to write. I just never seem to know what exactly it'll be until I'm done typing it and at that point I have no wish to erase what effort was there, heh.

Bedtime Thoughts

      She cast around in her bed, trying to fall into a blissful slumber to escape each passing day. The darkness was total as she pulled her comforter closer under her chin and blinked into the nothingness. All was still and quiet, save for her small space heater turning on and off at intervals when it thought the temperature dropped too low and then finally got warm enough. A sigh escaped her lips as she flopped back onto her back. The churning thoughts weren't going to relinquish their firm grip any time soon and sleep just slipped farther away each moment. She ached to just speak her mind, but who was going to listen to her? All things she held closer to herself than one could ever think, and kept it hidden away inside. It ate at her slowly, bit by bit. It drained her of so much emotion, she just felt empty.
      Rolling back onto her side, she pulled the blanket close again, tucking her feet up beneath her and closed her blue eyes again. Listening closely she could hear the soft snore of her dog laying in the middle of her bedroom floor and smiled slightly to herself. He could sleep anywhere and in any way and still seem as comfortable as ever. He brought her some joy as she gently patted the bed next to her. She heard the shake of his tags and yawn before she felt his weight land on the bed next to her. He wasted no time and curling up against her stomach, offering a small lick of comfort to her. She giggled lightly and scratched his stomach until she hit the spot that would make his back leg kick. She knew he enjoyed it and licked her until she had to hide under her comforter. At that point he seemed content to just lay there as she laid a hand over his back and stared off into the dark. This time though, she found herself drifting within her mind, and with thoughts of that which could actually make her happy, she fell into a fitful sleep filled with dreams.

     I don't think I've felt this drained and empty and numb in a very long time. The surrounding silence with my screaming thoughts is beyond comparison to anything I can think of. No amount of music can drown it out and make it go away... Even reading isn't as absorbent as usual. That's when I know something is wrong. Guess the easiest thing to do is crawl into bed and just call my day over. Ups and downs are more exhausting than hours of work. I'd just like it to be a constant and consistent good again...

     Probably a bit sad when you lose track of how many times you listen to a song.... Yeah. It tends to happen sometimes. I think it's time to lose myself in my book again. Easiest way to make my mind stop thinking and throw my emotions into something else.


One chance; take it.
Two options; soar or plummet.
No point in holding back,
everything to gain,
with nothing lose, when all has been lost.
Broken walls rebuilt, brick by brick.
Done with the chances of letting one close...
A sigh, a far away look...
A dream...


What on Earth have a I just written... Feels like nonsense. Definitely time to read...

Happy New Years

     I think this year my goal is just to be happy with myself and my life... Sometimes it seems overbearing and when I look at the future it's daunting, but I think it's possible...