Happy Birthday

     To me. Just feels like another day out of the year, nothing really special about it. All I did was lay around all day and not do much of anything. I go home tomorrow morning and I'll finally get to sleep in my own bed again, but even that just doesn't seem... Right. I don't know. I can't really wait for my lease to be up...

Out of Place

      What do you do when you feel like no matter where you step your foot, it just doesn't quite belong there? The places you once called home and those that were once called friends, you don't even know how to approach in conversation anymore. Gives one a sort of lost feeling. I'd really like to find that one place that is home no matter what, that I feel like I do fit in completely. Feels so far away I think. Possibly only in dreams and passing thoughts. They say that home is where the heart is... But my heart, is miles upon miles away. Sometimes when all you want is a simple hug, when that's all you need, but can't manage it from so far , you just feel lost...

Helpless

      It's hard to not feel that way when you watch the strongest woman in your life breaking down. She does so much, or at least tries to, and rarely gets the appreciation or help she deserves. She can't continually do it all on her own and it really makes me want to be here even more to help. She cooks and cleans and helps out scrubs with their homework and projects, then gets talked down to and told that her help isn't wanted. I can't stand to see my siblings say things like that. Granted, I know that I was never the best growing up, but I have learned and gained a deep appreciation for everything that she does. She has taken in her mom due to dementia making it impossible for her to live on her own, and is constantly trying to make trips up to New York, where she previously lived, to try and clean up the house my grandmother lived in. That is no small task as my grandmother was a bit of a hoarder of memories and such when my grandfather died, but she still tries to get as much done as she can on her own. To watch/hear her cry and all I can do is give her a hug and offer to help in any way I can even for the short while I'm here, is just heart-breaking. I want to be able to do so much more for her and  be able to help her out... Just feel helpless...

Christmas

     This time last year I wrote something in a personal journal about how odd it was to have Christmas away from my parents and siblings, to know that presents wouldn't just "appear" under the tree anymore and that morning have the little something extra special to it. Yes, I realize how the presents got there and as much as I love a good story or fairy tale, I don't hold my beliefs in them. It's just nice to have that little extra something that you know you can't do on your own. This year, I got to spend Christmas at home in the house a grew up in with the family I love and grew up with. Even with my mom frantically putting things together and trying to make Christmas everything like it usually is, it never quite has the same quality of magic and joy as a child waking up on Christmas morning. To have such blind faith that some big man dresses in red would climb down the chimney and leave them presents if they had been good. That mixed with the fun of snow, always made it special. Now it's just the family and the love we share with each other and the smiles we see on each face that make Christmas worth it. I miss the little bit of magic and blind faith, sure. But growing up and realizing how important other things are is much more meaningful to me. I can't begin to express how happy I am to be here with everyone, though I do miss the warm comfort of my own bed. Heh. Here's to wishing that everyone had a lovely Christmas and has a happy new year.

Yurp

     Nothing at all compares to the anger and frustration that has been consuming my thoughts for a few days. I am the worst at letting things go, even if I act like it's whatever. Just the easiest way to deal with it, same with going and staying silent. Easier to be quiet than to piss people off.

Drained...

     I would give anything to have my redo today... I feel so physically and emotionally drained right now. I'd give anything to just call into work and curl up in the corner of my bed and call it a day... I can't deal with it right now... Fuck today.

Afterwards

     So here is my attempt with the blog through a text thing. We'll see how it works when I make it home. Just left the theater with Emily and she stopped at a bookstore, and as much as I would love to go in and look at books I know that I would walk out with at least one if not more. The movie was amazing to say the least, but due to my lack of looking up information, I was shocked to see it end with Smog waking up. I mean, what the fuck?! I can understand the last Harry Potter book, and kinda even the last Twilight book being turned into two parts, but how do you turn this one into a trilogy of movies. I eagerly await watching them, but even with the addition of the appendexes and extra notes, I find it hard to comprehend how this is going to work. We'll see though. Hopefully the next two will be just as long and good as this one.

-Edit-
     So sending that from my phone didn't actually work. It was like six pages and Blogger split it up into six different posts, so noted not to make one longer than one page of text. It was a good try though.

Ugh

     I can't sleep for the life of me... I've laid in bed in the dark just thinking the whole time. Every time I feel like I get close, it just eludes me and I'm left to toss and turn some more... Guess perhaps I'll game some until I feel sleepy again, which I better here soon if I still want to see The Hobbit with Emily tomorrow morning. Sigh.

Ideas

     Oh they are a brewing and whirling around in my head. Starting to like em too. Now I just have to sit down and actually do stuff with them. I think that's the hardest part. Just sitting down and focusing on nothing else but the task at hand and getting done exactly what I want to get done. I always seem to get distracted by something or another, whether it's a game, or a book, or something else. I can't say I don't like these distractions, I just have a hard time setting them aside and saying this is what I want to get done, this is how I'm going to get it done, and I'm going to get it done right now as much as I can. Like today for example, I kinda of want to write... But I'm not completely sure or to what extent I want to.I do think I want to finish a small book of poetry at some point, turn one of my more childish poems into a children's book, and write a book on my gaming experiences, just cause I can put some really funny titles/chapters titles to it and I think it might be semi interesting (although maybe more to myself than anyone else, but what do I care).

Redo

     Can I please just have a few redo's? I didn't think so. Life isn't so kind like that, and sadly nothing like a video game or anything else when it comes to doing stuff over. Just feels like not much I do is right. Each day has a let down and a failure of some sort in it. Perfect days are far in the past of high school where things were far easier.
     Speaking of high school though, I was thinking about it the other day and my high school reunion thingy should be sometime in 2017 and 2012 is almost over meaning it's been five years (or there about) since I graduated high school. What have I done/accomplished in those 5 years? Well... I guess I bought my first car, I graduated from the University of Oklahoma with a bachelors in English Writing, I fell away from the guy I had been living with and dating for at least three years, moved away to Omaha, Nebraska, and got a job at JcPenney's. I guess when I list it out like that, it looks like more, but I honestly don't feel like I've done much of anything. I feel like I'm stuck in this unsuccessful rut, just stuck at the bottom of the totem poll in everything I do. I told myself I wanted to play in an orchestra, I sure as hell haven't worked on anything enough to even audition for one. I told myself I'd write a book of poetry, a novel, a short story, just something. All I've done is barely keep up with my blog. I tell myself that maybe if I were good enough, I could stream and finally earn some money (through donations, ads, whatever else) from something that I really enjoy doing, but I fear I'm not good enough and as much as I pretend not to care what other people think or say, I do. I'm shy, I'm passive, I don't often stand up for myself in ways I should. Roll it all together and I'm not sure I have the personality to do it. I really need to settle on something and put everything I have into it. I'm going to be twenty-four this month and I'd love to feel like my life had some serious direction that it is heading in sometime soon...

Sometimes...

     I just want to turn my music up as loud as possible, scream until I'm hoarse, and cry until nothing comes out. I think I'm going to start getting more on top of my blogging again. It's something I enjoy doing, when I can find the right words to put down, but I have a bad habit  of just not doing it and going onto something else.

On a side note, it's cold as hell and I can't stop shivering. xD

     Spam watching Supernatural, woo. I was told about this show forever ago, but never really got the chance to watch it til now. I like it. Parts freak me out, and watching it alone in the dark of night isn't amazing, but I do enjoy the show. Lots more of it to go through though... I wish I were doing other stuff today, but I mean, we can't all get what we want. I can only hope that maybe later tonight I'll get to do it...

Life

     Once again I take forever to write, but hey, at least I'm still coming back to it sometimes. Each day I'm at work I see all sorts of old couples holding hands and walking with each other through the store. I hope I can have that one day, to be with the person I truly love that long. I think I've hit the point where I would be just fine settling down and maybe even having a family of my own. I had sworn that off for so long, but who knows.
     Grrr... Each time I sit down determined to write, I can never find the right words to say to express myself in anything. I just jump from topic to topic because I really don't know what to write about, just that I want to write. Sometimes that's how my stories start, not with a specific topic or theme in my mind, but just writing  until whatever I'm typing/hand-writing actually becomes coherent and a real progression of thoughts and actions. Sometimes it never reaches that point, but you never know until you start writing. Hmmm... Bed time..

Joy

     This song, just makes her want to dance. Sometimes it's the smallest of things that make her smile and puts butterflies in her stomach and just makes her day a tad brighter. She never has the words to properly express herself, and often fumbles, creating a mess with the things she says without meaning to. She continues to try though, because being able to make him happy, or put the smallest of smiles on his face, absolutely makes the trying worth it.


“We are all a little weird and life’s a little weird, and when we find someone whose weirdness is compatible with ours, we join up with them and fall in mutual weirdness and call it love.”

- Dr. Seuss

Hum Dee Dum

     Well I keep sleeping off and on a lot today, which is kinda nice considering I find myself getting little to no sleep at the best of times (not that I'm complaining, because I enjoy doing things instead of sleeping). I find myself wanting to write today, but I'm not entirely sure what to write. WoW is down hella today for maintenance, which I suppose is good, but it's my day off and I feel like vegetating, so eh... I don't know for sure, but I think my mother and sister may be coming up here for Labor Day, and that's at the very least. I'm hoping my dad and brothers will too, but who really knows... I know I say it a lot, but I miss them a hell of a lot. As much as I hate my job now, I may stick with it the rest of the year here and just find me a good job back in Oklahoma and move back... Or at least work my ass off here, save money, and see about apartments and whatever back in home. I love my family, but there are far too many of them living in my parent's house, and while I really enjoyed sleeping on the back porch (enclosed mind you), I did not enjoy the mosquitoes and whatnot since the dogs went in and out the back door. I guess it would be kinda good for me to move back with them in at least two ways. One being financially, because I wouldn't have to pay bills then, though I would offer to pay some sort of rent. Two being I could help my mom clean the house up and such, since no one else really does and things seem to just pile up. I'm pretty sure if a yard/garage sale would be a good thing for the house getting clean, plus a small intake of money, though the non-working vehicles would need to be gotten rid of finally... Maybe I could even help my dad fix up the boat and whatnot, or at that point, maybe I'd go back to OU for my Masters. That's a whole lot of maybes, but moving home seems really nice right now... It was so hard to leave from Mother's Day, and I didn't even get to see half of my old friends that I wanted to. I need to make some for real plans of what I want to do. That would be incredibly helpful.

Blarg...

     Well, it's been a week since I last wrote something so I think I'm due to write a new post. Besides, I feel so tense I just need to do something. It feels like a rare thing when I'm truly good enough, or do something right. I try, quite a bit, but it doesn't really feel good enough. I just feel like I'm being a letdown somehow. This is probably part of the reason I try to stay quiet, to keep to myself. I feel like I'm sounding very pessimistic, and depressed, but I'm not at all. It's just the reality of how I feel at the moment. That mixed with being homesick as hell again. I can't wait until my family comes up here to visit, even if it is just my mom, but I just miss Oklahoma in general... I don't know what I want to do right now. Guess I have a good ten months  to think about it...

Work Again

     The endless cycle of going to work, hating my job, and coming home. I finally got an email (after two full months mind you) from one place saying they were looking for more "qualified candidates," so I'm trying to apply for a few more today at the very least. I need a better job than JcPenney's, and honestly I have a little higher standards/expectations of myself than just an associate in a retail store. I'm really hoping for the one that is at my cousin's school. That would be too perfect. Looks like I'm probably going there to see if she can help me out a bit. Perhaps I'll write a bit more later...

Subconscious

     I open up this page and I feel like I should write something... The question is what though? Sometimes I feel like my life is a very poorly written book, though I haven't decided on the genre. Maybe it's just one all of its own. I often wonder how it's going to play out in the end and what might the protagonist end up doing. I guess that's the one good part. You never really know what's going to happen, or where it will end, or at least start a new chapter. I could have gone and gotten pizza with my aunt and cousin, but I choose to stay home why? In hopes of doing stuff elsewhere or maybe getting to chat... Waiting feels like the worst part. It makes me feel a tad lame that I choose to wait on something that may not even happen instead of going and doing what I know will, but I find it worth it, so I don't care. Guess I'll go get myself murdered about fifty more different times on Diablo III, Inferno while I wait. I so hate Inferno...

Memories

     So when I was looking through old pictures yesterday to find ones of me in my Girl Scout uniform, which sadly I didn't find, I did find old ones from Girl Scout camp, from church camp, and from other random life events. Kinda made me miss those days a lot. I used to tell myself that I was going to be a counselor at the Girl Scout camps, but that eventually faded the farther I got into school. My sister though, has continually been active through the camps, and was a counselor this year and last. I can honestly say I couldn't be more proud of her. I don't think she'll ever read this, but I'm truly proud of the woman she's growing up to be. Made it through the first year of college and looking for another job during the school year. We definitely had our huge differences, and even a falling out of a sorts through some harder times when I should have been more there for her, but I'm thankful she's my sister and miss her quite a bit. I can never express how much I really care for her and her well being, without sounding like an overbearing big sister, but the more I watch her grow up and go about her life, the happier I am things turned out as they have. I wouldn't trade the events for anything, and hopefully she'll get to visit Em and I soon.

Assumptions

     I've always been told the saying, "You shouldn't assume things, because what does it do? It makes an 'ass' out of 'you and me." Now thinking on that now, I don't think it makes an ass out of both parties, but just the one assuming. Either way, I just lost my train of thought and it is nowhere to be found... Fail. I'll probably type more later, but I owe someone a picture of me from my scouting days, so I shall have to see what I can possibly dig up. Woot.

Amazing

     So recently I've gotten into looking up the "stats" on my blog, and I think it was yesterday where it said I had forty views. Needless to say, my jaw dropped a tad. Someone may read this and think that's not a high number at all, but for someone who doesn't always write very often or put her stuff out there, and what she writes is rather random and not always coherent, it's pretty amazing.
     Today I think my cousin, my friend, and myself are going to one of the museums downtown. I haven't been there since I was like ten, so it should be pretty interesting. Plus, there's this temporary exhibit called "The Mindbender's Mansion," and anyone who knows me at all, knows that I LOVE puzzles. Give me a sudoku puzzle book or a word puzzle or something else, and I'll be entertained for hours. I like them because they get you to think, often outside the box. I'm really curious as to what this exhibit will be like. Mayhaps I shall throw up some pics of the place later. Who knows. As for now, I shall take Jude, my wonderful shelter dog, out and finish getting ready.

Dreaming

     Sometimes, I wake up from really vivid dreams, but I think I'm still dreaming so I'll say something out loud, until I realize that there's no answer coming and that the amazing things going on previously, were only dreams in my head. It's always such a disappointment, because then I try to fall back asleep with the hope of continuing my dream, but that doesn't often happen. Sleep has become light and fleeting for me recently. Maybe too much on my mind, worry, or stress. I don't really know. I do know I try to keep myself up often as late as possible, because sometimes that's better than my dreams. Hard to describe what I mean by that, but eh it happens. Time to get ready for another day...

When in doubt... Write.

     I'm the kind of girl, who doesn't get along well with most girls. In fact looking back on my life, Meagan and Krystal were the two closest girl friends I had. Aside from them, everyone else was basically a guy. They're easier to just talk to and hang out with, plus I can play video games and they'll play as well, or at least they won't want to go shopping usually. Ugh. Just because most of my friends are guys, doesn't mean I sleep with them or feel anything for any of them other than friendship. I hate that stereotype of women. Drives me nuts really. Why can't they just be friends and nothing more? There doesn't always have to be some secret that's going untold, or some underlying meaning to their friendship. More often than not though, that is the assumption they get stuck with. Some of us aren't like that at all though.           /rage rant thing
      Sometimes, well most times, I don't have the right words to say. I don't even know what to say for that matter. You try to say nothing be right, and be honest, and things seem to go to hell. It's certainly not for the lack of trying to make everything good. It's funny how much I'd give to just make things right and sunshiney, but my words don't always have that power... Feel like crap, and I need food. I think I'm going to be sick...

She can't concentrate, mind moving fast.
Thoughts everywhere, scattered fragments.
Heart on a string, lesson learned...
Walls go back up, heart reeled in,
yet fragments left in the wakes.
Tender and sore, bitter from caring.
How do you mend it?

Ahead of Myself

     I admit that I don't always make the correct choices in life, and things don't always turn out the way they should, or the way I hope they would, but hell. I'm not perfect. I never claimed to be perfect. Ask anyone who knows me and I'm sure they'll tell you I'm the first to admit how imperfect I am. All I want to do is be me. I want to find a job I actually love. I want just enough money to live comfortably. I don't need to be rich... I just want to be happy. I'm sure I've said it before, but sometimes I just have to reiterate it. I don't know... I've spent the day feeling sick to my stomach and job hunting. Put my resume up, and updated my profile, on at least 3 different search engines, asking random questions of people whom I know have jobs that I'd be interested in trying out. I've physically gone places looking, only to be told it's basically all done online so now I've applied for several different specific jobs. I almost wish I didn't live in an apartment just so we could have a garage sale and maybe I could sell some random stuff I don't use or wear anymore. Yes it could be donated to the Goodwill, and maybe I'll do that instead. I may even donate plasma on the side or something just to be sure I have enough money, and keep searching. After this I'll type up an email to a manager of mine who has already been published and see if he can help me with some of my stuff... It's a long shot, but it's also worth a try....
   
When she talks to you, her stomach turns and a grin is laid bare.
Happiness, an emotion craved and sought after like gold.
Fear of the unknown and a broken heart,
creates an attempt to keep at arm's length.
Constantly failing, and hoping to be caught,
but falling right through arms to the ground;
she breaks down and hides it from sight.
She refuses to show weakness, refuses to go;
she'll fight until there's nothing left.
Her trying often goes unnoticed,
and feels like an attempt in vain,
but at least she knows she was honest and upfront...
She tries not to hold back, to keep to herself;
throwing her heart out on a string,
unraveling at the ends and fraying.
A lack-luster confidence mixed with a heart of gold,
she didn't know what to do...

     I don't know where that came from, or what to even call it. Heh, I know it's nothing amazing, but at least I'm randomly writing something, sometimes.

Moments

     I'll figure out a way to get indenting to work on here without having to hit the space-bar like five times, eventually... Grrr. Anyways... I don't even know what I really wanted to write about. Guess I just had the urge and figured I'd see where it'd go. This is where it feels like leading me:


     Staring off into the cold gray morning mist, Blair blinked back the tears that threatened to spill down her face. Nothing left to call a home, no one left that she knew. All gone and burned within a moment's notice. A horde of the king's dragon fleet came on shadowed wing and left nothing but cinders in its wake. She had been out hunting late when the smell of smoke and the sound of screams permeated the air. Her feet raced as fast as they could, crashing through the brush, but all she could do was stand on a ledge while her village burned to ash. There was nothing special about her village, just a small band of rebels who wouldn't harm anything no matter how much they talked of it. They had been betrayed, but by whom she couldn't have guessed.
     Blair shook her head to clear the images, placing a hand over her eyes as if to create a shield to block them out. Nothing worked though. She woke drenched in a cold sweat night after night. Each morning she would try to push back the memory and keep walking. Many villages she passed had acquired the same fate, each laying in a charred ruin. She just had to tell her feet to keep moving and not to look at the burned corpses of the residents, who had obviously been shut inside their houses. These were bleak days and things didn't seem like they were in for a quick change any time soon...



     Hmmm... I'll figure out if I want to go anywhere with that, or just scrap it, later. Right now I suppose I should try to sleep since I'm waking up semi early to attempt to get my car licensed in NE finally. Huzzah!

Time Slips

It's funny, the more friends I see see getting married and having children, the more I realize I just want to settle and yet I feel so very far from it... I want to have a stable full-time job with a house and someone to share my happiness and experiences with. I just don't see it happening. Depressing or not, stuff happens and it can't be helped, just kinda wish otherwise. Just want have that sort of joy, and I'm quite tired of wandering about looking for it. I think I'm just going to sit back and let whatever happens, happen. If it's meant to be, it'll happen, if not, then I'll be happy with what I have. =)

Seriously

Sometimes I truly don't understand how people can be so freaking dense. Just so much rage. Ugh!

Bend and Not Break

That's only possible for so long... You can only take so much before snapping in half, or on somebody. That breaking point moves ever closer, slowly but surely. Time to get some sleep, maybe I'll find something fun and entertaining to write about, who knows...

Little Things

It's odd how little things can conjure up all sorts of old memories and emotions. I was actually at work today and cleaning out a fitting room when I noticed a random napkin on the ground. This napkin had the same pattern as the ones typically used at my parent's house and I instantly felt a wave of homesickness when I discovered it. I miss my parents terribly. I even miss my siblings. It's such a detached feeling knowing that I can't just give them hugs when I want to, that the comfort of having them even fifteen minutes away is no longer there. I'd give so much to see my father on Father's Day, to be able to surprise him with a visit like I did for my mom, but I can't afford it and I don't have off. Ugh. I miss them...

Old pictures... Yeah I found some. Stupid to go through them, and even more stupid are the emotions they conjure. Those certain things you think you bury deep enough and bottle up tight enough that it'll never break free, just somehow seem to ooze out and flip your entire day around. It's like a single thought that just sorta knocks you flat on your face before you even realize what's happening and you can't contain it and push it back away before it floods out and overcomes you and you just have to wait it out until the waters recede enough for you to be able to dam it up again and clean up the mess. Just another night.

Post Saver

Only because I have two minutes before I have to run to work, but I'd still kinda like to write later. Huzzah.

Eeeehhhh

     Well, seems I failed at blogging again and went on a pretty decent sized hiatus. I'm sure I'll start that 30-day challenge or something at some point, but I just feel like writing right now. Just to constantly type about anything and everything and put my thoughts out there. I'm not even sure what to type honestly. I just sat down and figured what the heck.

     Ever do something and regret it a second later? Even if it was just agreeing to something and than the inward groan of "what the fuck was I thinking?" Of course you have, everyone has at some point. I should be no different right? Only I think I can't get out of it and have no idea what on earth I'm doing anymore. I've come to like it in Nebraska and I definitely plan on staying here another year at least. I've started to make a few friends and actually go and hang out or do stuff. It's just nice to have a good night of fun instead of being constantly stuck in my bedroom, or the apartment in general. Blah. Sometimes I wish I were stronger with my word choices, or adamant in where I stand on certain subjects. It's rare when I speak up for myself and go against the crowd. I'm a people pleaser. It happens. I'd rather see a smile on someone else's face than on my own, and sure you can say "that's not true at all, you know you want to be happy," and well you're right. I do. I just don't often take the initiative to do so. I'm caught somewhere between where I want to be and where others want me to be. I always hear that in the end a person has to do what makes them happy and what is best for them, but in some ways that just seems like a cop-out answer given as an excuse to something they do. I probably just read too much into things though.

     Balls, that's a good deal of rambling. With that, I shall be off to go drown my thoughts and emotions into a beta game of some sort. Blah.