New Beginnings

•Day 01- A recent picture of you and 15 interesting facts about yourself



1. I'm one of the biggest gamer chicks you might meet.
2. I will sit and read a good book for 24+ hours straight just so I can finish it.
3. I have a 2 year old Corgi named Jude, who is a major attention whore.
4. Dragons are my passion, and favorite thing ever.
5. Nightmare Before Christmas comes in a close second to dragons.
6. Most of my friends are online because I'm incredibly shy in person.
7. My most successful relationships have been those that started as long-distance.
8. I live in an apartment with my amazing cousin.
9. I graduated with a bachelor's degree in English Writing.
10. A published author and poet, is what I'd like to become.
11. I'm for sure, the biggest nerd a person will ever meet. Hands down. And I love it.
12. I randomly get bored and start marching around, band style.
13. I sing and dance around my bedroom for funsies.
14. I used to have hair long enough to be able to sit on it.
15. I'm both the most amazing listener you will ever meet, and the worst conversationalist ever.

New Challenge

Thank you Jolie, Indie. You are absolutely amazing to me. I love it. ^_^


•Day 01- A recent picture of you and 15 interesting facts about yourself
•Day 02- The meaning behind your Blogger name
•Day 03- A picture of you and your friends
•Day 04- A habit that you wish you didn’t have
•Day 05- A picture of somewhere you’ve been to
•Day 06- Favorite super hero and why
•Day 07- A picture of someone/something that has the biggest impact on you
•Day 08- Short term goals for this month and why
•Day 09- Something you’re proud of in the past few days
•Day 10- Songs you listen to when you are Happy, Sad, Bored, Hyped, Mad
•Day 11- Another picture of you and your friends
•Day 12- How you found out about Blogger and why you made one
•Day 13- A letter to someone who has hurt you recently
•Day 14- A picture of you and your family
•Day 15- Put your iPod on shuffle: First 10 songs that play
•Day 16- Another picture of yourself (baby pic!)
•Day 17- Someone you would want to switch lives with for one day and why
•Day 18- Plans/dreams/goals you have
•Day 19- Nicknames you have; why do you have them
•Day 20- Someone you see yourself marrying/being with in the future
•Day 21- A picture of something that makes you happy
•Day 22- What makes you different from everyone else
•Day 23- Something you crave for a lot
•Day 24- A letter to your parents
•Day 25- What I would find in your bag
•Day 26- What you think about your friends
•Day 27- Why are you doing this 30 day challenge
•Day 28- A picture of you last year and now, how have you changed since then?
•Day 29- In this past month, what have you learned
•Day 30- Who are you?

Done

Day 30 – One last moment

So... What exactly does one last moment even mean? Honestly, I don't even know. I've been sitting here, sipping on some wine and hanging out in WoW. I don't quite know what I'm doing with myself anymore. I've gone through one of the new books I bought and I'm already working on a second. I feel so out of it, like I don't even know. The places I used to think I belonged, I feel like I have no place being in. I get left at the drop of a hat, and then I cease to exist. I mean, are you kidding me? What the hell? I'm worth a little more than that, whether it's just in gaming, or whatever else. It's obnoxious to see otherwise happen. I feel like if I left at any point, no one would actually notice. Maybe that's what bugs me the most, that no one would even care. I don't even know how I got here from "one last moment." I'll just go ahead and blame the alcohol that is currently coursing through my body. Not like that is really any sort of excuse, but still. Guess I'll have to move on to my own topics in the upcoming days, unless I can find another day thingy.

Day 29

Day 29 – Your aspirations

I feel like I've gone over this plenty of times. Though I aspire to be a published author and poet, in reality, the easiest answer is I aspire to be happy. I could not get those dreams and still achieve certain things in my life and be happy. I don't feel like writing much on this. I don't know why really, just that it seems rather self-explanatory I guess. Who knows.

Blah

Day 27 – Your favorite place

As odd as it sounds, my favorite place is my bedroom. I can lock myself away for hours on end and just read, write, game, whatever and be completely happy. I just turn up my music and let myself drift away from reality into my own world, which makes me sound slightly crazy, but whatever.

Day 28 – Something that you miss

I miss my friends and family back in Oklahoma like crazy. I mean I have family here, and I'm starting to get friends, but I miss my parents, and yes even my siblings. I miss Meagan, Wesley, Will, Stephen, and the rest of my Oklahoma friends. I miss random acts of dancing, going to the park and just chillaxing or playing around, the random pictures, and gaming sessions. I can't wait to go visit again, but who knows when the time and money will allow me to do so. There's so much I want to do...

Day 26

Day 26 – Your fears

Hmmm honestly I think my biggest fear is not being good enough. Not being good enough for my family, for my friends, for some guy to actually care enough to want to be with me and stick it out. I know I'm a good scholar, I mean I got my bachelor's after all. I'm just not sure I'll be able to go for the sort of career I want, and get it off the ground and going well. I don't even know what my family thinks anymore. I mean I know they support me in everything I do, but I still feel like I have to make my life into something major sometimes. Like maybe they even expect too much out of me. As to the relationship bit, well who knows. Sure I'm still young, but I'm honestly tired of looking and then being into someone and just getting hurt in the end. It's annoying and just plain, blegh. Sigh. Time to raid, and end this, cause I sure don't feel like I'm putting much into it. >.<

Day 24 and 25

Day 24 – Something that makes you cry

Hmmm.... I'm going to have to go with being alone. Not just because I'm lonely specifically, but because at that point I often don't know what to do with myself even, and then I start to think and it's all over. If there's something that has been bugging me for awhile, or something that I remember that wasn't really great or anything, then I start to think on it, and I get so wrapped up in my own thoughts, I just break. Completely. Unstoppable tears, sobs, being annoyed with myself, the works. It sucks because I don't want it to happen, and I want it to stop, and neither seem to work. Blah. I very much dislike being left alone to my own thoughts...

Day 25 – A first

A first what? Bah humbug, this one should be more specific. Well, this will sound weird but I think the first major funeral that hurt me, was one of my best friend's dad. He was like a second father to me. I was always over there and he would cook us dinner, let me stay the night, take me out. It was great. I loved being over at their place, it was always homey and I always felt very welcome. I was still in high school when he suddenly passed away from I believe an air bubble that hit his heart. I was absolutely in shock. I couldn't believe it was real, not one single moment. I tried to go to work that night and ended up just going home after being there like five minutes. I literally couldn't function properly at that point. I don't think it truly hit me that he was really gone until the funeral itself, and I could see everyone so sad and crying, and as much as I tried to hold it back, I cried a lot the day he died, and the day of his funeral. It hurt to go through his stuff with his daughters to try and sort everything out, but I went when I could. I have the little mini bible he gave me from England I think, and I have one or two of his military Velcro name tags. As goofy as it sounds, I treasure those things. I still miss him today. Sometimes I feel like he could call and be like "Hey we're making brisket and having a night of it, care to join?" Though I know that it won't. Dang... It's been like 5 years or so... And it still hurts.

What are you looking for?

So I was using stumble again and landed myself upon this interesting site. Upon doing this I "spun the bottle" and was asked to pick Truth or Dare. Being a person who is not a fan of backing down from a Dare, unless it's just too awful to actually complete, I picked Truth to be safe. Safe was not what I got. My question was: "What are you looking for?" I sat there staring at my computer screen and realized, I have no idea what the hell I'm looking for. I used to think I know. School, a job, a place of my own, being near family, eventually a husband, maybe a family... I think I was wrong or got lost along the way. I can't see very far lately and I keep getting wrapped around things that shouldn't even matter to me. I care and then get left behind. It's whatever... I'm done... All I want to find, I think, is me...

Day 23

Day 23 – Something that makes you feel better

This is going to sound super sad, but either reading or playing video games. I can just completely immerse myself in them and even talk to friends, at least when it comes to gaming. I dunno. A lot of the time even just talking to certain people just brightens my day because they always seem to somehow make me smile, even if I'm completely down in a rut. This post is going to short and kind of half-heartedly done.... Just cause that's how I feel at the moment. I'm sorry... -.-

Boredom

I've done basically all I can in WoW right now... Lame I know, but it seems the one thing that entertains me right now. I bought a bunch of books to read, but they're just now being shipped from New Jersey, so probably going to take a bit to get here, though I'm super jazzed for more books. Oh man how I love books. They are my escape from reality. A ticket to get myself out of where I currently am, and thrown into some place new, even old, and filled with adventures and fantastic creatures and people. I just get so absorbed I forget about everything around me, especially the time. I could keep reading a good book all day and all night, until I finally just pass out because I can't keep my eyes open any longer, and then of course start reading again when I wake up. I remember always getting in trouble throughout school because I would be reading something when I was supposed to be doing something completely difference, or in general, listening to the teacher. I much preferred my books over anything else. They held my friends, the characters I came to know and love, and even have amazing dreams about. I know I'm weird, but hey, it's all worth the fantastical imagination they leave me with.

Caught Up

Day 21 – Your favorite movie

Man, such a tough one. There are so many amazing movies that I love to watch over and over again. I think the one I like the most right now though, is Pan's Labyrinth. It's very interestingly done, and although it's not in English and I'm not the biggest fan of reading subtitles, but I absolutely love how it was done and I wouldn't change anything about it. The story, the language, the animation, the music, everything is amazing. Kind of makes me want to go watch it right now, but I have to go to work soon.

Day 22 – Something that upsets you

Ugh, the first thing that pops into my head is being ignored. I absolutely hate that and it irritates me to no end (Also responding to my messages with "lol" falls into this category). Seriously, don't talk to me on a constant basis and then run into flat out ignoring me. I can't stand it one little bit. It's like being bipolar. "Oh I love talking to you," next day: "Oh I hate talking to you, stop bugging me." Really? You had to let it go for so long and suddenly I'm nothing again? And people wonder why I don't trust people easily, or have any friends, or why I don't show emotions well, or why I'd rather stop caring. Crap like that is why. I'm starting to get angry just thinking about it, because I can think of certain people doing it right now to me. Super legit. Grrrrr. Some people just don't care and aren't worth the time of trying to care about I guess. Just gotta keep going somehow.

Catching Up

Day 19 – Something you regret

I honestly do my best to regret nothing. The choices I make are often what I actually want at the time, so I shouldn't regret it. The reason they become regrets is something goes horribly wrong or further down the road that decision affects you in negative ways. I think right now the thing I regret the most is quitting figure skating. It was something I absolutely loved to do, and I threw it away like it was nothing. The super expensive skates my parents had just bought me, the often gorgeous and expensive outfits, and all the time put into practicing and traveling to competitions, just tossed out the door. I wish I had kept going so I could continue to put myself into it. To strive for something that not many people do. I don't know... I'm sure there are a few more things I actually regret, but they're in that hazy section where they're not quite regrets, but they're sure getting there...

Day 20 – This month

Needless to say, this month has been pretty crazy. I feel like I work all the time, even if I really don't, and of course, when I come home I hole myself up in my room. Yay me. Well, not really yay, but it seems that it's how I do most of my socializing. I'm normally and extremely shy person so it's really hard for me to make friends, but I love being able to talk to my online friends. They're the company I enjoy the most. I don't know. Perhaps I'm just a sad case.... Oh well. Doesn't even matter.

Sigh

I know I fell behind. I'll try to get both days done tonight, though it'll probably be after midnight considering I don't get off work until 11 at least. Maybe I'll just do two tomorrow and two the day after. Grrr. And I was doing so well. xD

Yeah... I want to change...

Defying Gravity, from the musical Wicked

GALINDA
(Spoken)
Why couldn't you have stayed calm, for once! Instead of flying off the handle!

(Sung)
I hope you're happy
I hope you're happy now
I hope you're happy how you've
Hurt your cause forever
I hope you think you're clever

ELPHABA
I hope you're happy
I hope you're happy too
I hope you're proud how you would
Grovel in submission
To feed your own ambition

GALINDA & ELPHABA
So though I can't imagine how
I hope you're happy
Right now

GALINDA
(Spoken)
Elphie, listen to me. Just say you're sorry!

(Sung)
You can still be with the Wizard
What you've worked and waited for
You can have all you ever wanted -

ELPHABA
(Spoken)
I know

(Sung)
But I don't want it - No!
I can't want it anymore

Something has changed within me
Something is not the same
I'm through with playing by
The rules of someone else's game
Too late for second-guessing
Too late to go back to sleep
It's time to trust my instincts
Close my eyes
And leap...

It's time to try defying gravity
I think I'll try defying gravity
And you can't pull me down

GALINDA
Can't I make you understand
You're having delusions of grandeur?

ELPHABA
I'm through accepting limits
'Cause someone says they're so
Some things I cannot change
But till I try I'll never know
Too long I've been afraid of
Losing love I guess I've lost
Well if that's love
It comes at much too high a cost

I'd sooner buy defying gravity
Kiss me goodbye, I'm defying gravity
And you can't pull me down!

(Spoken)
Galinda, come with me. Think of what we could do together!

(Sung)
Unlimited
Together we're unlimited
Together we'll be the greatest team
There's ever been - Glinda!
Dreams the way we planned 'em

GALINDA
If we work in tandem

GALINDA & ELPHABA
There's no fight we cannot win
Just you and I, defying gravity
With you and I defying gravity

ELPHABA
They'll never bring us down!

(Spoken)
Well, are you coming?

(GLINDA decides to stay behind.)

GALINDA
I hope you're happy
I hope your happy now that your choosing this -

ELPHABA
(Spoken)
You too

(Sung)
I hope it brings you bliss

GALINDA & ELPHABA
I really hope you get it
And you don't live to regret it
I hope you're happy in the end
I hope you're happy my friend

ELPHABA
So if you care to find me
Look to the Western sky!
As someone told me lately
Everyone deserves the chance to fly
And if I'm flying solo
At least I'm flying free
To those who ground me
Take a message back from me!

Tell them how I am defying gravity
I'm flying high, defying gravity
And soon I'll match them in renown
And nobody in all of Oz
No Wizard that there is or was
Is ever gonna bring me down!!

GALINDA
I hope you're happy

CITIZENS OF OZ
Look at her
She's wicked
Get her!!

ELPHABA
Bring me down!

CITIZENS OF OZ
No one mourns the wicked
So we got to bring her -

ELPHABA
Ahhhh!

CITIZENS OF OZ
--Down!

Day 18

Day 18 – Your favorite birthday

Hmmm... Kinda a tough one. I rarely ever "celebrate" my birthday really. My favorite birthday was one where I was actually allowed to invite friends over to my parent's house and then the girls stayed over. It must have been in junior high because it was the year I got a Breaking Benjamin cd and an awesome dragon figurine from Jared or Houston I believe. We spent most of the night playing Halo, joking around, and just having a good time, and then us girls stayed up most the night just shooting the breeze and enjoying it. I don't know. The only other "memorable" birthday was my 21st, and NOT because I went out drinking or anything. In fact, quite the opposite. I was stuck snowed in my grandparent's house with thirteen people, and then that night people gradually got super sick. Thankfully I didn't quite catch what they had, and at least not til I got home, but it made doing anything fun impossible. I think I sat there curled up with my laptop or a good book. Maybe both. Either way I sure remember it.

Day 17

Day 17 – Your favorite memory

How can I possibly pick one memory as a favorite? So many seem super amazing at first and then fade into the background as time passes, or things happen to make those memories far less fond. Hmmm... I guess one of my favorite memories is still when I first "met" Stephen in real life. I mean sure we had been talking for a couple years online, and even video chatted, but nothing compares to meeting him finally face to face. In that moment I was terrified, nervous, excited, and completely unsure of everything. I was shy as hell and could barely manage a hug and holding his hand, but I was so happy in that moment. It started a week of amazingness for me, and led into three years of a relationship that was super important and wonderful to me. He made such an impact upon me and my life, I can't even begin to explain it. I did a lot of growing up since I met him, and I know it's because of him. We may have ended our relationship and gone our separate ways, but I will never forget the times we had together and he will always have a piece of my heart. Those memories I will always hold dear...

Day 16

Day 16 – Your last kiss

My last kiss was one of the saddest and yet happiest. It was right before getting in line to go through security at the airport when leaving from Chicago on May 27th I believe. I had tears streaking down my face as I tried to hold myself together in public and I still got told I was beautiful and that things would be alright. I never wanted to break that kiss, and I never wanted to let go of his hand... I wish I hadn't... Less than a month later I get broken up with because he can't do the long distance thing. I still long to be with him, to be able to call him mine. Sure he may have asshole tendencies, but who doesn't. I still love him and think about him all the time. I wish I could show him that long distance doesn't have to be forever, to show him that he's worth me waiting, and to show him I can be worth it too... But I seriously doubt I can ever convince him otherwise, and truly it'd be cruel of me to try to if he can't handle it. I don't want him to hurt... Just to be happy. I'm not sure I like this person that I am...

Seriously?

I feel like screaming. Why?!

Day 15

Day 15 – Your dreams

I suppose along with dreams, comes aspirations. For me, my biggest dream is to become a published author and poet. I don't have to be super famous like J.K. Rowling, or anything like that. I just want to be published; to have that moment where I can say I finally accomplished something I've wanted to since I was little. To see even one person with a piece I've written would send me over the edge with happiness. To know that someone both read it AND enjoyed it would be even better. Aside from that I suppose another dream is to one day eventually get married. I mean you wouldn't think I had the thoughts of a wedding, but watching so many friends getting married and having a family, I wish I could have something like that. To have that one day where I feel like a complete princess, and find myself standing by the man of my dreams knowing that this new step would be an opening to a wonderful part of my life. But yeah... Just a dream. Seeing as how my luck goes and past experiences, I don't really see it happening as much as I might want it... Just gotta keep trudging forward, and doing what I can along the way.

Day 14

Day 14 – A childhood picture



Oh man. This picture was a whole fourteen years ago? Wow. This is what my life consisted of for many, many years. I absolutely loved figure skating; going to competitions, making friends, winning, practicing, trying new things. It was everything to me. I regret stopping it, but it started to become more of a chore and my parents were becoming much more competitive than I was. I wanted to have fun, to just go out there and do my very best, but I often felt like a disappointment when I messed up or didn't place high enough to go on and do much. I remember a time or two when I refused to get these pictures done and I made my mother cry... I feel so bad about that, and regret not having those pictures for my memories. I wish I had taken them all, but I was at that awkward stage were pictures were the worst part of everything to me. Man, I wish I could go back and fix that. I wish I could even pick skating back up again, but I doubt I'd be much good anymore. Hell, I'd even be willing to try ice, to feel the rush of jumps and spins and the air flying past me, exhilarating and sometimes terrifying. Maybe some day... It'd sure give me something to put myself in to aside from work at this point.

Day 13

Day 13 – This week

Haha, what a perfect day to be doing this one considering my "week" is coming to a close. Thank goodness too, cause it's been a pretty crazy week. Work has ranged anywhere from boring as hell to crazy busy to the point I just want to stab myself with a hanger (probably very possible too considering how sharp broken ones can be). Sadly though, I still don't do much of anything aside from going to work and then coming home and getting on my computer. Perhaps most of it is because I have no friends up here to hang with or do anything with, or perhaps it's also because those people I do want to talk to and interact with, exist to me only on the internet. I know that makes me sound crazy, but my online friends are amazing to me and a very important part of my life. I mean hell, my best relationships started as online/long distance ones. Not saying the only people I talk to online are those I want to be in a relationship with of course, but I do thoroughly enjoy the time I get to talk to them. Playing my games with them becomes even better because although we can't physically go out and watch a movie or something, it at least feels like there's some sort of interaction. I don't know. Sigh. Well, time to go walk my wonderful dog Jude, and then chillax talking to my amazing friends. ^_^

Day 10, 11, 12

It's been getting late, but here we go...

Day 10 – What you wore today
Well today was another lovely day in which I had to work so I wore a pair of black sneakers, dressy Worthington pants, a white cami, and a pinstripe button down top with a belt right around the stomach line. Oh, and of course I can't forget my little blue blow. Seems I always have to wear a bow in my hair. It just completes my outfits.

Day 11 – Your favorite book
Oh god, I love my books waaaaaay too much to pick one single favorite. I could list off authors and books and series forever and ever and everyone would want to smack me to get me to shut up about my books. Hehe. Though I suppose to just list a few awesome authors: Melanie Rawn, Amelia Atwater-Rhodes, Jennifer Falon, Alison Baird, Terry Goodkind, and many, many more.

Day 12 – What’s in your bag
Hmmm my purse? Well it'd be smarter of my to just take a picture... But yeah... Mostly it's a bunch of papers, like receipts, a bit of makeup, my wallet and check book, some pens and pencils, a sharpie, and a pocket calender is it I think. Blegh.

Day 7, 8, 9

Yeah... So I've decided that I'll continue the day thingy, doing three today and three tomorrow to catch myself up and then go from there. Well, here we go.

Day 07 – Your best friend
My best friend is Meagan Barkley. We met in fifth grade at Briarwood elementary school, though we didn't become super close til sixth grade. When we first met it was through all the special little events for the good/academically excelling students. I remember the end of the year and our fifth grade English/Reading teacher decided she would take the top five AR students out to eat and such. Well we were part of the group, and after the group half pushing me towards my teacher's nephew during dinner, it was time to go home. When we got to someone's house we were all messing around and I ended up pushing her out the vehicle door, stopped of course, but she had a hold of the seat belt so she didn't fall. Heh, she ended up getting in trouble for it and not me. Cracked us both up for the longest time and we were friends ever since. She's always had my back, and always been there for advice or absolutely anything else when I needed it. I'm not honestly sure what I would have done without her in my life all these years. We've been growing apart a lot, which I truly hate, but I know everyone has to grow up and she's had a huge impact on myself and my life, changing so many different things. I don't tell her how much I appreciate everything she does, but I truly should... She's my best friend.

Day 08 – A moment
Hmmm a moment... I think the biggest moment I can think of recently that stuck in my mind, was my moving. Things still feel really unreal. Like this isn't really my place... Like I'm not really here to stay... I still feel like I'm just trying to run from things and make a new beginning. I don't know. Moving was a BIG change in my life. I stepped away from my closest friends, my closest family members, and the job I had held for over five years to step out into something new, to explore myself and test out my abilities to survive in the "real world." I think I've done alright so far, but I admit that it is no cake walk either. I just have to keep trying, to keep going and going.

Day 09 – Your beliefs
My beliefs are that of a Christian. I don't necessarily announce it to the world because then it becomes a question of churches and more in depth discussions. Don't get me wrong, I used to love being able to tell people I went to WCC and how amazing it was and how good it felt to be there, and then to actually have a meaningful discussion. Now it feels like half the people who try to have the discussions only do it halfheartedly, or just because they want to convince you that their church is the RIGHT place to be. I think I'd love to go back to church, if I found one I truly enjoyed, but I haven't for so long because of work and whatnot, and now work is just as random so I'm not sure I could manage it. I don't want to be pushed to believe something or go somewhere that doesn't work for me. I live my life to the best of my abilities while still being able to demonstrate the Christian ideals and beliefs I have. I'm not perfect, I'm well aware of this fact. I've had my share of crashes and burns, but I always come back. It's what's right for me.

I want to travel...

I want to feel freedom; to live outside the boundaries and restrictions society places upon those inside it. I want to travel everywhere, doing freelance things for fun. I want to run through fields, climb through forests, dance across mountains, and swim through rivers. I want to explore and experience so much... Yet I'm stuck. Shackled to having a job and earning money so that I can have a place to live and food to eat. To follow a mundane routine of going to work, eating when I'm hungry, sleeping when I can force myself to, playing video games, and dedicating much time to my computer where most of my friends reside. I would love to visit them... Just road trip around meeting them all and getting to know them even more. Too bad that takes money... Money I for sure don't have. Sigh... Back to my games on my day off. I can never seem to be productive...

8 Month Hiatus

Welp, looks like I'm back. I think I shall attempt to even write more often. So much has happened in the months since I last actually wrote anything. It's kinda of crazy. Shortened version: Stephen and I broke up, moved home with parents, graduated college, dated another guy online, visited him in Chicago, moved to Nebraska, guy broke up with me mid June, got a new job, lost my whole blog last night and now I'm back. Haha. Man, that was a mouthful.

Anyways... I'm going to try to stray away from more mushy boring blah blah blah stuff. Sure it's nice to write every once in awhile, but just sucks to read back over it and be like, "what the hell was I thinking?" I already had that moment with my Xanga, yet I still love my Xanga. :3 I'm sure I always will.

As to myself, well. I'm just getting by, doing my best with what I have. There's things I hope and dream for, but I just gotta keep holding on to those til they happen. Patience is a virtue, as much as I hate it. I'm much too curious for my own good. Kinda gets rid of the patience I have when I really want to know something. Sigh. I think that curiosity will probably end up being my downfall, but perhaps I will gain enough knowledge and such from it that it will overshadow anything bad that comes from it.

Anyways, I think I shall end this for the night. Hope everyone has a good one.