Hmmm... I am quite possibly the worst at conveying not only how I feel, but not pushing people backwards. I guess by backwards I also mean away. Getting too close? Well, we can't have that so clearly walls must be quickly built up around myself. Seems silly when I think about it, but when I look at my life, I can also clearly see how true it is. I often delve deeply into books, into games, or into some other activity and block out half the world around me. I'm not entirely sure whether that's because I enjoy them, which I deeply do, of it's easier to escape conversations or whatever else. Then again, I could just be an odd duck. I'm pretty good at that too. Heh. Though it could also just be the random ramblings of a still semi tipsy girl at 3:30 in the morning.

On a totally unrelated note, I now have 100 followers on my stream! Huzzah!

Six Months

     Wow, six months already. I don't think I could be happier at the moment. Normally, I am the absolute worst with keeping up with dates, particularly birthdays and anniversaries, but I suppose it's just that the little things seem to count so much more being in an LDR. Anyone who thinks that being in one is an simple as one with your next door neighbor, or even in the same city, has clearly never been in one. It's tough, never getting to see your significant other, or get to spend much time with them outside of major visits. Two major visits, that's all I've been able to have so far with a third coming up soon, and while both lasted for 5+ days, it's just not enough. Date nights are always video games or movies, when all you can do is be on a computer. Obviously it's not the end of the world when you enjoy those things, like I do, but there's still a lack of physical contact. No holding hands, no hugs, no proximity. It makes me even more grateful for all of the little notes, pictures, and video calls in between. I feel lucky to even have what I do. In the end, it's worth it. =)

     I think I have a serious pet-peeve of being ignored. It makes zero sense to go from calling some one a "best-friend" for years, to being completely cut out of their life randomly and being given no reason as to why. It makes me sick and it makes me want to rage.The only reason I can fathom, is the person they've been dating off and on for years, and recently gotten engaged to, and while I hate to judge someone without ever having met them, you must not think very highly of your relationship and significant other, let alone yourself, to tell someone to stop talking to another. I couldn't even imagine telling someone to do that, significant other or not. It wouldn't be right, nor would it be fair. I prefer to trust people, when they show they can be, and not dictate what a person may or may not do. Siiiiiigh.

/rant

Stagnant

      I wish I could say that I feel like I'm moving in a forward direction towards all the goals of a future that I hope for myself, but truly I'm just treading water and trying to keep my head above it. I feel like there is just so much that I have to get done/accomplish before I can actually live my life a bit more. First and foremost needs to be getting a new car. After mine was totaled in an accident not that long ago, I've quickly realized that a car is a luxury and a necessity. It sucks having to rely on others constantly to get you to work and wherever else. Speaking of work, I love my job to death, but I still need to find a good second job so I can pay things off and not feel downright awful about getting a loan for a new car. Blah. It's like one thing after another. I think I could really use a bit of good luck and things going my way at the moment. Aaaaaaand back to work.

     Can't sleep... Don't feel like reading more... Not up to gaming at the moment... Blah.

      Seems like the weather is wanting to match my mood right now, though I can't decide if it's more gloomy or raging. I can hear the thunder crashing outside my window and I can hear the rain coming down as well. I wish I could a bit of lightning, but with curtains drawn closed and my being far too lazy to get up and look, I won't know if there's any out there.

      On a seperate note, yesterday would have been my Grandparent's 61st wedding anniversary if my grandfather were still alive. I wish I could make a trip up to Nebraska if only to visit his grave. I definitely still feel the ache as if it had all happened yesterday. A hole that won't be filled ever. I can only hope to one day have a life filled with long years of happiness and love like he had and touch as many lives as he did.

     Offering advice on how to make a solar oven work has definitely brought back a lot of girl scout memories. Feels like a bajillion years ago since I did anything Girl Scout related, and now that I think about it, it's for sure been over a decade. Thinking about it like that makes me feel quite old. It then makes me think about all of the people I've known since elementary school and at this point a good 75% of them that I can think of off the top of my head are married, have children, are having children, or both. Kinda crazy. People you never thought you would see in those roles, blossom and grow into them like they were absolutely meant for it. Some stumble and falter, but then you see a strength and resilience that was often previously hidden. It sort of brings out a whole new side of a person you thought you knew, granted, every one does their own fair share of growing and coming into themselves as each year passes. Totally random and rambling post, but it was just sort of something that had occurred to me as the day progressed. Back to work I suppose.

     Once again I have strayed terribly from my goal of keeping up with my blog, but here's a little catch up post because I can. Life is honestly good. I can't truly complain when things are far better than they were earlier this year, or even better than this time last year. I think the only thing I could complain about is the hours at my job, however I love the job itself, so that isn't as big of a deal as it could be. I've been binge watching Fairy Tail, which is a pretty good Anime from what I've seen so far. It's definitely something I'll finish and then keep up with the series as it goes, even though at that point it shall only be subtitled. Finished off a pretty good raid week early and have had a nice time doing the rbg's as well. Now we just need to have steady geared healers and we would probably do better, but eh. It's a nice break. I've even finally put a little more effort into redoing my streaming account and doing more with that. If anyone feels like it, they're more than welcome to check it out here at http://www.twitch.tv/sionelle/ and then just hang out or subscribe and watch me goof off or do whatever I feel like doing at the time. I think it's something I want to try to get into a little bit more, but we shall see how it all goes. Definitely want to get a capture card so I can stream my 360 games, but that's still a bit in the future when money allows or there is some crazy sale on Newegg, hehe. Well, I suppose that's me playing catch-up for now. Perhaps I'll write something else in a few days, you never know.

Begin Again

Ripping off the shackles of an old life.
Freedom. Renewing. Invigorating.

Looking forward towards what is new.
Inspiring. Hopeful. Thoughtful.

Nothing to lose and everything to gain.
Beginning. Gaining. Being.

Letting go of fears and resistances.
Living. Breathing. Moving.

Allowing oneself to care completely.
Loving. Believing. Intensely.

Whispers of doubts of impossibilities.
Fearful. Hopeless. Skeptical.

Moving quickly, as if tomorrow doesn't exist.
Fleeting. Intense. Flying.

Falling headlong over the edge.
Stumbling. Plunging. Spiraling.

Being caught in loving arms.
Comforted. Protected. Calmed.

Reminding one that anything is possible.

     Life is a funny thing, it takes and it gives without any requests, thoughts, or considerations. Hearing that a friend's mother passed away last night reminded me again of my grandfather. I thought I had no more tears to shed after that, but I found myself unable to sleep for hours with water freely flowing from my eyes. It's never an easy thing to see a loved one disappear from our lives, leaving only memories, pictures, and broken hearts in their wake, but that is the way of life. So with that I say hold your loved ones close and tell them/show them how much they mean to you each day, because you never know what the future holds. I'm not sure I have more words to say, just a fairly sobering sort of day.

Melody

     Fingers gingerly danced across the frets and strings of her acoustic guitar, while fiery curls bobbed in rhythm to the slow song she played. Words never came out right or in the proper expressive manner that she felt. Lips moved silently and she tried to work out pitches and lyrics before letting them be vocalized. Some say music is more apt to touch a soul or a heart. That was what she wanted. To have the music reach out and speak in ways that she couldn't fathom doing on her own. She paused a moment and flexed her hands, relieving the slight tension that was building within her fingers. Now seemed as good a time as any, and she wasn't sure that she would keep her mentality of doing it, if she waited until later to do so.
      She took a slow, deep breath and steadied herself against her guitar. Then, reaching out with her right hand she pressed record on her computer and counted in her head. "Three, two, one.." Her fingers began to dance again with a purpose and instead of wordless music, she let let loose the lilting melody that had been playing so long in her head. Each chord and each pitch rang in harmony and she smiled inwardly as she played. Her only goal, was to touch his heart and convey her emotions when she was at a loss for words...



     Herp derp, and more random writing, some I'm happier about than others, though I also can't say that I mind it all that much. I have too much to look forward to and to dream on, to be weighed down by silly doubts. Should they occur, it just means I have to pick myself up and keep going. It's how the world works anyways.

     After a month into the year, I find myself looking back into my resolutions and shaking my head. I don't need millions of resolutions, or even have to rush myself into doing everything at once. I can take my time and get there when I need to. While I'm not completely scrapping my resolutions, I am editing them into one encompassing one. My main resolution for this year is to be happy; happy with my job, happy with myself, and happy with others and the direction my life is going. I do know and understand that life isn't always rainbows and sunshine, or anything to that degree, but it is also a lot of what you make of it. I don't like feeling sad or depressed, so I'm going to choose to focus on the good and go from there, instead of being swept out with the tide.
      At the moment, I can honestly say this is something I'm willing to work on and put forth effort into. Things have been awful most of the last month, but this month started with a smile, and I want it to stay that way. I have friends and family who care deeply for me, people who do crazy and amazing things just to see me smile, and that makes me happy. I also finally started a semi workout thing thing yesterday, and boy am I sore today. Guess that means I did something right, I hope. I didn't pull anything, just muscle soreness. I'm looking forward to some traveling a bit later on in the year, and visiting family later after that. The writing, well, I'm still not the best at keeping up with it, but I am trying where I can. I think being happy with work is probably the easiest. I love my job and the people I work with. I had been aiming for a library job for the longest time, and it is the best. Here's to continuing the year with a smile.

      Well I can honestly say that the roller coaster of last year has carried over to this one. I was so determined to make it be better, and let it be more, but I feel like at every corner there has to be something else to make it wrong and just disheartening. I still ache like crazy over my grandfather's death and not even three days later a person who is a major part of my life decides to give me an ultimatum and then take me off everything and has not spoken to me since, and honestly probably won't again. He's too good at burning bridges for that to happen. But I guess that's how life is.
      I've been fairly down as of late and dragging myself up and out has been more difficult than I thought would be possible. I'm not usually one to mope around or let things get me down for long periods of time, but times have seemed a tad more on the ill-fated side. I wanted to keep up with at least my writing, if nothing else, at the exact moment in time, however I'm also finding it hard to write without seeming like a total downer. It's not the most fun. I think I need a small get away. The last week or so could technically be one, as I wasn't working, but it's been so draining physically, emotionally, and mentally that it could never be a real break. A night out perhaps, sounds fairly nice. Suppose I shall just curl up in bed with a book for now and see if I can finally fall asleep.

      While I can't say I've ever really experienced a huge amount of death that has directly affected me, I could quite honestly say tonight has been one of the most painful nights for me. I decided to lay down and take a nap a bit after work, and then I get woken up to my dad gently siting down on the edge of my bed and resting his hand on my shoulder slightly. I can hear muffled sniffles from my mother somewhere down the hallway and my heart picks up speed thinking the absolute worst. Unfortunately, the worst is now my reality because at that moment I could hear my father telling me that my grandfather had passed away about thirty minutes before he had woken me up. Instantly my heart caught in my chest and I felt like I couldn't breathe. There was no stopping the flood of tears that proceeded to escape from my eyes and the wracking sobs that I tried to keep hidden while my parents were around. Whether it's a weakness or not, I hate crying in front of others.
      Getting to spend more time with him and my grandmother was part of the reason I moved up to Nebraska for the last two years. The nights I stayed over at his house to help with anything and keep an eye on him while my grandmother and aunt were out of town, I wouldn't trade for anything in the world. Growing up, he taught me how to fish, to play some old board games, and to just be happy and enjoy things. It's next to impossible for me to believe that the amazing man I felt so close to, won't be there for anymore family Thanksgivings, Christmas's, or the summer stays at the cabin. I just hate to think about doing those things when he isn't there anymore. I mean I always knew the day would come eventually, but I didn't really ever think about it. I wish I had used my time more wisely while I was in Nebraska. I wish I had gone to more morning breakfasts with him, or just gone over to say hello and see how things were doing. At least if nothing else, I can say that he isn't suffering anymore. He had quite a few health problems towards the end and was in and out of the hospital more than I would want for him, so at least now he's not having to go through any of that. Whether that's me just saying it as a coping method, or if it's something else, I'm not entirely sure, but still. I miss him more than words can describe right now, and normally I wouldn't really go to a media outlet to talk about it, however it's my blog and writing is a form of therapy of a sorts for me, so it's kind of helpful.

      Rest in peace grandpa, you will be forever missed by everyone you left behind and ever had an impact on. The world has lost an absolutely amazing man today, but heaven has gained a most extraordinary angel. I love you so very much.

Brave

      I think this song has really stuck with me, just because I'm super horribly bad at speaking my mind, or speaking up in general. Sure, I can say whatever behind closed doors and before or after I'm talking with someone, but if there is a physical conversation going on of any sorts, I just shut up. I tend to over analyze a lot, and in the process I get stuck on what the other person might think or feel, and then the thoughts come of "what will they think of me once I say it?" Sure, I probably worry far too much, but I can't help it. So I choose to stay silent a lot. I know it doesn't get me anywhere to hold back the things I want to say, and often it probably makes things worse because another person doesn't know what I'm really thinking or feeling without me actually vocalizing it. Sometimes I really just need to take a deep breath and speak up without any filters. Maybe I'll add that to my list of resolutions...

      So apparently... If I write something in the day, I get like 100 random page views. If I write something in the middle of the night, I get maybe 10. Kind of interesting to see the trends back and forth with it, particularly if I also go back and look at old statistics. It's also interesting to see that most of them are from Malaysia (at least this week, so Blogger says). Hmmm... I didn't even know that many people looked over my stuff ever. >.>

Desk Time

      So I'm sitting here at work on the first desk shift of the library and thinking "What can I do with the two, maybe more, hours I have with free reign of the internet (of course aside from helping people that come up to me)?" The the thought came to me! "I should write something in my blog!" And here I am doing just that. While I can't say that I have any one specific thing to write about at the exact moment in time, it's still something and a step towards me keeping to my goal of writing more often.
      I happen to be the best procrastinator you will probably ever meet. I say this jokingly, yet also quite seriously. I don't have ADD or ADHD, but if something comes along that seems a lot better than something else that feels like a chore at any point, or that I just plain don't have the motivation to do, I will find any means possible of distracting myself and putting off what I'm supposed to be doing. More often than not, this comes in the form of my video game playing. Don't get me wrong, I love my games with a passion and geek out over new ones coming out soon, or just my favorites in general, but they can be a big distraction. Not just a distraction perhaps, but my escape. Books and video games manage that one. I may not want to dwell on certain situations, or just forget about the present in general and they are my absolute go to for it. Just something about picking up the persona of someone completely different and seeing an entirely different place, doing different things, that enrapts one completely into just forgetting the time and things around them, if only even for a little bit. Sometimes that break is a more than needed thing and when you finally get it, it's like you can breathe again like a normal person.

      So I can't say that I have any real idea where I was going with that, aside from rambling on in circles, but I guess it happens sometimes. Time to go troll around the internet for a bit I suppose.

New Years

      Happy New Years everyone! As I look back on the year I realize I can only classify it as a single thing, the biggest roller coaster ever. So many things have happened the past year, both good and bad, so there's no way I could just label it as one or the other and leave it there. I think I've decided to make myself a few resolutions, for once, and then make the best attempt possible to stick to them. I'm only human, so I expect myself to make a few mistakes with it (just being realistic), but I won't continually use that as some excuse to get out of it. The bonus of putting them around here, is they're written somewhere where I know that they're there and can look back on them and hold myself accountable to them. Anyways, without further ado, these are my resolutions:

      1. To actually use my blog more. I'm not talking like once a month or something. My goal is for once a week, if not more. I will find some way to set aside even the smallest amount of time to just make a summary of the week, or write something more thoughtful and meaningful. Heck, maybe I'll write some random poetry again. I won't let myself get distracted too much by my video games, by work, by movies, and by the internet in general. I'll stick by it.

      2. To get myself into shape. No, I'm not talking about losing 30 lbs, building mega muscles, or going on some extreme diet. I'm just talking about being physically fit and feeling okay with myself. I want to be comfortable in my own skin. I want to be able to walk a lot more for longer periods of time. I wouldn't say I feel like death afterwards, but I don't want to feel super winded or anything either. I'd like to be able to not feel so self-conscious about myself when I wear shorts or a bathing suit or anything. I can imagine people would say that it shouldn't matter what anyone else besides myself thinks, but the reality is I haven't quite mastered that, and I've been attempting it since high school.

      3. "We Accept the love, we think we deserve."
           ― Stephen Chbosky, The Perks of Being a Wallflower
           This quote hit me right in the heart strings when I finally got around to watching the movie. I would have to agree that it is true too. People can tell us how wonderful and amazing we are, and how we deserve the world and whatnot, but if we think too low of ourselves, then it just doesn't sink in. My goal is to believe more in my self worth, become more confident in the choices I make and things I do, not just second guess everything or continually put myself down and blame myself for things that aren't wholly my fault or may be beyond my control. I want to be able to accept the affections shown to me without downplaying it as to something more than I deserve.

      4. I want to put more effort into writing something to be published. This can come in the form of writing a novel, some short stories, poetry, or a children's book. I went to school for writing, I now have an amazing job in a library, and I want to put it all to use finally. I have written random things here and there, but I want this year to be the one where I put something together completely and do something with it. This year, I want to be productive. No getting distracted, no putting it off for another day.

      5. While this should be number one, I'm just writing them down as they come into my head, but I absolutely want to get rid of the small debt I have. If this means I have to get two jobs, then so be it. I don't want it to grow any, and I don't want to have to continually worry about it. If I ever manage to find myself in a relationship that lasts, I don't want the baggage of a debt to be brought along with me. I want to be able to save my money more and not continually stare at the debt and watch my money sink into it. That WILL be eliminated this year.

      Hmmm I guess those are the main things for now. Maybe I'll add more later or something, but this will do for now. I can't lose them and forget about it. I will stick to them. Here's to the start of a new, and better, year.