Well I can honestly say that the roller coaster of last year has carried over to this one. I was so determined to make it be better, and let it be more, but I feel like at every corner there has to be something else to make it wrong and just disheartening. I still ache like crazy over my grandfather's death and not even three days later a person who is a major part of my life decides to give me an ultimatum and then take me off everything and has not spoken to me since, and honestly probably won't again. He's too good at burning bridges for that to happen. But I guess that's how life is.
      I've been fairly down as of late and dragging myself up and out has been more difficult than I thought would be possible. I'm not usually one to mope around or let things get me down for long periods of time, but times have seemed a tad more on the ill-fated side. I wanted to keep up with at least my writing, if nothing else, at the exact moment in time, however I'm also finding it hard to write without seeming like a total downer. It's not the most fun. I think I need a small get away. The last week or so could technically be one, as I wasn't working, but it's been so draining physically, emotionally, and mentally that it could never be a real break. A night out perhaps, sounds fairly nice. Suppose I shall just curl up in bed with a book for now and see if I can finally fall asleep.

      While I can't say I've ever really experienced a huge amount of death that has directly affected me, I could quite honestly say tonight has been one of the most painful nights for me. I decided to lay down and take a nap a bit after work, and then I get woken up to my dad gently siting down on the edge of my bed and resting his hand on my shoulder slightly. I can hear muffled sniffles from my mother somewhere down the hallway and my heart picks up speed thinking the absolute worst. Unfortunately, the worst is now my reality because at that moment I could hear my father telling me that my grandfather had passed away about thirty minutes before he had woken me up. Instantly my heart caught in my chest and I felt like I couldn't breathe. There was no stopping the flood of tears that proceeded to escape from my eyes and the wracking sobs that I tried to keep hidden while my parents were around. Whether it's a weakness or not, I hate crying in front of others.
      Getting to spend more time with him and my grandmother was part of the reason I moved up to Nebraska for the last two years. The nights I stayed over at his house to help with anything and keep an eye on him while my grandmother and aunt were out of town, I wouldn't trade for anything in the world. Growing up, he taught me how to fish, to play some old board games, and to just be happy and enjoy things. It's next to impossible for me to believe that the amazing man I felt so close to, won't be there for anymore family Thanksgivings, Christmas's, or the summer stays at the cabin. I just hate to think about doing those things when he isn't there anymore. I mean I always knew the day would come eventually, but I didn't really ever think about it. I wish I had used my time more wisely while I was in Nebraska. I wish I had gone to more morning breakfasts with him, or just gone over to say hello and see how things were doing. At least if nothing else, I can say that he isn't suffering anymore. He had quite a few health problems towards the end and was in and out of the hospital more than I would want for him, so at least now he's not having to go through any of that. Whether that's me just saying it as a coping method, or if it's something else, I'm not entirely sure, but still. I miss him more than words can describe right now, and normally I wouldn't really go to a media outlet to talk about it, however it's my blog and writing is a form of therapy of a sorts for me, so it's kind of helpful.

      Rest in peace grandpa, you will be forever missed by everyone you left behind and ever had an impact on. The world has lost an absolutely amazing man today, but heaven has gained a most extraordinary angel. I love you so very much.

Brave

      I think this song has really stuck with me, just because I'm super horribly bad at speaking my mind, or speaking up in general. Sure, I can say whatever behind closed doors and before or after I'm talking with someone, but if there is a physical conversation going on of any sorts, I just shut up. I tend to over analyze a lot, and in the process I get stuck on what the other person might think or feel, and then the thoughts come of "what will they think of me once I say it?" Sure, I probably worry far too much, but I can't help it. So I choose to stay silent a lot. I know it doesn't get me anywhere to hold back the things I want to say, and often it probably makes things worse because another person doesn't know what I'm really thinking or feeling without me actually vocalizing it. Sometimes I really just need to take a deep breath and speak up without any filters. Maybe I'll add that to my list of resolutions...

      So apparently... If I write something in the day, I get like 100 random page views. If I write something in the middle of the night, I get maybe 10. Kind of interesting to see the trends back and forth with it, particularly if I also go back and look at old statistics. It's also interesting to see that most of them are from Malaysia (at least this week, so Blogger says). Hmmm... I didn't even know that many people looked over my stuff ever. >.>

Desk Time

      So I'm sitting here at work on the first desk shift of the library and thinking "What can I do with the two, maybe more, hours I have with free reign of the internet (of course aside from helping people that come up to me)?" The the thought came to me! "I should write something in my blog!" And here I am doing just that. While I can't say that I have any one specific thing to write about at the exact moment in time, it's still something and a step towards me keeping to my goal of writing more often.
      I happen to be the best procrastinator you will probably ever meet. I say this jokingly, yet also quite seriously. I don't have ADD or ADHD, but if something comes along that seems a lot better than something else that feels like a chore at any point, or that I just plain don't have the motivation to do, I will find any means possible of distracting myself and putting off what I'm supposed to be doing. More often than not, this comes in the form of my video game playing. Don't get me wrong, I love my games with a passion and geek out over new ones coming out soon, or just my favorites in general, but they can be a big distraction. Not just a distraction perhaps, but my escape. Books and video games manage that one. I may not want to dwell on certain situations, or just forget about the present in general and they are my absolute go to for it. Just something about picking up the persona of someone completely different and seeing an entirely different place, doing different things, that enrapts one completely into just forgetting the time and things around them, if only even for a little bit. Sometimes that break is a more than needed thing and when you finally get it, it's like you can breathe again like a normal person.

      So I can't say that I have any real idea where I was going with that, aside from rambling on in circles, but I guess it happens sometimes. Time to go troll around the internet for a bit I suppose.

New Years

      Happy New Years everyone! As I look back on the year I realize I can only classify it as a single thing, the biggest roller coaster ever. So many things have happened the past year, both good and bad, so there's no way I could just label it as one or the other and leave it there. I think I've decided to make myself a few resolutions, for once, and then make the best attempt possible to stick to them. I'm only human, so I expect myself to make a few mistakes with it (just being realistic), but I won't continually use that as some excuse to get out of it. The bonus of putting them around here, is they're written somewhere where I know that they're there and can look back on them and hold myself accountable to them. Anyways, without further ado, these are my resolutions:

      1. To actually use my blog more. I'm not talking like once a month or something. My goal is for once a week, if not more. I will find some way to set aside even the smallest amount of time to just make a summary of the week, or write something more thoughtful and meaningful. Heck, maybe I'll write some random poetry again. I won't let myself get distracted too much by my video games, by work, by movies, and by the internet in general. I'll stick by it.

      2. To get myself into shape. No, I'm not talking about losing 30 lbs, building mega muscles, or going on some extreme diet. I'm just talking about being physically fit and feeling okay with myself. I want to be comfortable in my own skin. I want to be able to walk a lot more for longer periods of time. I wouldn't say I feel like death afterwards, but I don't want to feel super winded or anything either. I'd like to be able to not feel so self-conscious about myself when I wear shorts or a bathing suit or anything. I can imagine people would say that it shouldn't matter what anyone else besides myself thinks, but the reality is I haven't quite mastered that, and I've been attempting it since high school.

      3. "We Accept the love, we think we deserve."
           ― Stephen Chbosky, The Perks of Being a Wallflower
           This quote hit me right in the heart strings when I finally got around to watching the movie. I would have to agree that it is true too. People can tell us how wonderful and amazing we are, and how we deserve the world and whatnot, but if we think too low of ourselves, then it just doesn't sink in. My goal is to believe more in my self worth, become more confident in the choices I make and things I do, not just second guess everything or continually put myself down and blame myself for things that aren't wholly my fault or may be beyond my control. I want to be able to accept the affections shown to me without downplaying it as to something more than I deserve.

      4. I want to put more effort into writing something to be published. This can come in the form of writing a novel, some short stories, poetry, or a children's book. I went to school for writing, I now have an amazing job in a library, and I want to put it all to use finally. I have written random things here and there, but I want this year to be the one where I put something together completely and do something with it. This year, I want to be productive. No getting distracted, no putting it off for another day.

      5. While this should be number one, I'm just writing them down as they come into my head, but I absolutely want to get rid of the small debt I have. If this means I have to get two jobs, then so be it. I don't want it to grow any, and I don't want to have to continually worry about it. If I ever manage to find myself in a relationship that lasts, I don't want the baggage of a debt to be brought along with me. I want to be able to save my money more and not continually stare at the debt and watch my money sink into it. That WILL be eliminated this year.

      Hmmm I guess those are the main things for now. Maybe I'll add more later or something, but this will do for now. I can't lose them and forget about it. I will stick to them. Here's to the start of a new, and better, year.