While I can't say I've ever really experienced a huge amount of death that has directly affected me, I could quite honestly say tonight has been one of the most painful nights for me. I decided to lay down and take a nap a bit after work, and then I get woken up to my dad gently siting down on the edge of my bed and resting his hand on my shoulder slightly. I can hear muffled sniffles from my mother somewhere down the hallway and my heart picks up speed thinking the absolute worst. Unfortunately, the worst is now my reality because at that moment I could hear my father telling me that my grandfather had passed away about thirty minutes before he had woken me up. Instantly my heart caught in my chest and I felt like I couldn't breathe. There was no stopping the flood of tears that proceeded to escape from my eyes and the wracking sobs that I tried to keep hidden while my parents were around. Whether it's a weakness or not, I hate crying in front of others.
      Getting to spend more time with him and my grandmother was part of the reason I moved up to Nebraska for the last two years. The nights I stayed over at his house to help with anything and keep an eye on him while my grandmother and aunt were out of town, I wouldn't trade for anything in the world. Growing up, he taught me how to fish, to play some old board games, and to just be happy and enjoy things. It's next to impossible for me to believe that the amazing man I felt so close to, won't be there for anymore family Thanksgivings, Christmas's, or the summer stays at the cabin. I just hate to think about doing those things when he isn't there anymore. I mean I always knew the day would come eventually, but I didn't really ever think about it. I wish I had used my time more wisely while I was in Nebraska. I wish I had gone to more morning breakfasts with him, or just gone over to say hello and see how things were doing. At least if nothing else, I can say that he isn't suffering anymore. He had quite a few health problems towards the end and was in and out of the hospital more than I would want for him, so at least now he's not having to go through any of that. Whether that's me just saying it as a coping method, or if it's something else, I'm not entirely sure, but still. I miss him more than words can describe right now, and normally I wouldn't really go to a media outlet to talk about it, however it's my blog and writing is a form of therapy of a sorts for me, so it's kind of helpful.

      Rest in peace grandpa, you will be forever missed by everyone you left behind and ever had an impact on. The world has lost an absolutely amazing man today, but heaven has gained a most extraordinary angel. I love you so very much.