Happy Birthday

     To me. Just feels like another day out of the year, nothing really special about it. All I did was lay around all day and not do much of anything. I go home tomorrow morning and I'll finally get to sleep in my own bed again, but even that just doesn't seem... Right. I don't know. I can't really wait for my lease to be up...

Out of Place

      What do you do when you feel like no matter where you step your foot, it just doesn't quite belong there? The places you once called home and those that were once called friends, you don't even know how to approach in conversation anymore. Gives one a sort of lost feeling. I'd really like to find that one place that is home no matter what, that I feel like I do fit in completely. Feels so far away I think. Possibly only in dreams and passing thoughts. They say that home is where the heart is... But my heart, is miles upon miles away. Sometimes when all you want is a simple hug, when that's all you need, but can't manage it from so far , you just feel lost...

Helpless

      It's hard to not feel that way when you watch the strongest woman in your life breaking down. She does so much, or at least tries to, and rarely gets the appreciation or help she deserves. She can't continually do it all on her own and it really makes me want to be here even more to help. She cooks and cleans and helps out scrubs with their homework and projects, then gets talked down to and told that her help isn't wanted. I can't stand to see my siblings say things like that. Granted, I know that I was never the best growing up, but I have learned and gained a deep appreciation for everything that she does. She has taken in her mom due to dementia making it impossible for her to live on her own, and is constantly trying to make trips up to New York, where she previously lived, to try and clean up the house my grandmother lived in. That is no small task as my grandmother was a bit of a hoarder of memories and such when my grandfather died, but she still tries to get as much done as she can on her own. To watch/hear her cry and all I can do is give her a hug and offer to help in any way I can even for the short while I'm here, is just heart-breaking. I want to be able to do so much more for her and  be able to help her out... Just feel helpless...

Christmas

     This time last year I wrote something in a personal journal about how odd it was to have Christmas away from my parents and siblings, to know that presents wouldn't just "appear" under the tree anymore and that morning have the little something extra special to it. Yes, I realize how the presents got there and as much as I love a good story or fairy tale, I don't hold my beliefs in them. It's just nice to have that little extra something that you know you can't do on your own. This year, I got to spend Christmas at home in the house a grew up in with the family I love and grew up with. Even with my mom frantically putting things together and trying to make Christmas everything like it usually is, it never quite has the same quality of magic and joy as a child waking up on Christmas morning. To have such blind faith that some big man dresses in red would climb down the chimney and leave them presents if they had been good. That mixed with the fun of snow, always made it special. Now it's just the family and the love we share with each other and the smiles we see on each face that make Christmas worth it. I miss the little bit of magic and blind faith, sure. But growing up and realizing how important other things are is much more meaningful to me. I can't begin to express how happy I am to be here with everyone, though I do miss the warm comfort of my own bed. Heh. Here's to wishing that everyone had a lovely Christmas and has a happy new year.

Yurp

     Nothing at all compares to the anger and frustration that has been consuming my thoughts for a few days. I am the worst at letting things go, even if I act like it's whatever. Just the easiest way to deal with it, same with going and staying silent. Easier to be quiet than to piss people off.

Drained...

     I would give anything to have my redo today... I feel so physically and emotionally drained right now. I'd give anything to just call into work and curl up in the corner of my bed and call it a day... I can't deal with it right now... Fuck today.

Afterwards

     So here is my attempt with the blog through a text thing. We'll see how it works when I make it home. Just left the theater with Emily and she stopped at a bookstore, and as much as I would love to go in and look at books I know that I would walk out with at least one if not more. The movie was amazing to say the least, but due to my lack of looking up information, I was shocked to see it end with Smog waking up. I mean, what the fuck?! I can understand the last Harry Potter book, and kinda even the last Twilight book being turned into two parts, but how do you turn this one into a trilogy of movies. I eagerly await watching them, but even with the addition of the appendexes and extra notes, I find it hard to comprehend how this is going to work. We'll see though. Hopefully the next two will be just as long and good as this one.

-Edit-
     So sending that from my phone didn't actually work. It was like six pages and Blogger split it up into six different posts, so noted not to make one longer than one page of text. It was a good try though.

Ugh

     I can't sleep for the life of me... I've laid in bed in the dark just thinking the whole time. Every time I feel like I get close, it just eludes me and I'm left to toss and turn some more... Guess perhaps I'll game some until I feel sleepy again, which I better here soon if I still want to see The Hobbit with Emily tomorrow morning. Sigh.

Ideas

     Oh they are a brewing and whirling around in my head. Starting to like em too. Now I just have to sit down and actually do stuff with them. I think that's the hardest part. Just sitting down and focusing on nothing else but the task at hand and getting done exactly what I want to get done. I always seem to get distracted by something or another, whether it's a game, or a book, or something else. I can't say I don't like these distractions, I just have a hard time setting them aside and saying this is what I want to get done, this is how I'm going to get it done, and I'm going to get it done right now as much as I can. Like today for example, I kinda of want to write... But I'm not completely sure or to what extent I want to.I do think I want to finish a small book of poetry at some point, turn one of my more childish poems into a children's book, and write a book on my gaming experiences, just cause I can put some really funny titles/chapters titles to it and I think it might be semi interesting (although maybe more to myself than anyone else, but what do I care).

Redo

     Can I please just have a few redo's? I didn't think so. Life isn't so kind like that, and sadly nothing like a video game or anything else when it comes to doing stuff over. Just feels like not much I do is right. Each day has a let down and a failure of some sort in it. Perfect days are far in the past of high school where things were far easier.
     Speaking of high school though, I was thinking about it the other day and my high school reunion thingy should be sometime in 2017 and 2012 is almost over meaning it's been five years (or there about) since I graduated high school. What have I done/accomplished in those 5 years? Well... I guess I bought my first car, I graduated from the University of Oklahoma with a bachelors in English Writing, I fell away from the guy I had been living with and dating for at least three years, moved away to Omaha, Nebraska, and got a job at JcPenney's. I guess when I list it out like that, it looks like more, but I honestly don't feel like I've done much of anything. I feel like I'm stuck in this unsuccessful rut, just stuck at the bottom of the totem poll in everything I do. I told myself I wanted to play in an orchestra, I sure as hell haven't worked on anything enough to even audition for one. I told myself I'd write a book of poetry, a novel, a short story, just something. All I've done is barely keep up with my blog. I tell myself that maybe if I were good enough, I could stream and finally earn some money (through donations, ads, whatever else) from something that I really enjoy doing, but I fear I'm not good enough and as much as I pretend not to care what other people think or say, I do. I'm shy, I'm passive, I don't often stand up for myself in ways I should. Roll it all together and I'm not sure I have the personality to do it. I really need to settle on something and put everything I have into it. I'm going to be twenty-four this month and I'd love to feel like my life had some serious direction that it is heading in sometime soon...

Sometimes...

     I just want to turn my music up as loud as possible, scream until I'm hoarse, and cry until nothing comes out. I think I'm going to start getting more on top of my blogging again. It's something I enjoy doing, when I can find the right words to put down, but I have a bad habit  of just not doing it and going onto something else.

On a side note, it's cold as hell and I can't stop shivering. xD