Today's Horoscope

Today's Horoscope for Capricorn 
Monday October 24, 2016 

Part of you believes you're only as lovable as your accomplishments. That's stirred up today. Believe that you're loved, because you are.



      That would be the horoscope I got in an email today. Talk about pulling on the heartstrings... But, I can't say it's really all that wrong...  

     Sometimes Lillian does things or looks at herself, and she can see the incredibly caring and helpful person that she likes to think the she is and is often told that she is. Other times, she realizes how incredibly selfish she can be and hates herself because of it. Her emerald eyes lingered outside her bedroom window at the obliviously happy couple walking hand in hand before scoffing and turning back to her book. Fairy tale endings didn't exist anywhere else outside of books, at least in her opinion. Actually, she grated her teeth at the very notion and instead submerged her consciousness into that of the protagonist of the book. Nothing could really top, or compare, to actions and emotions brought on by the simple words on the page in front of her.
     A small knock on her door startled her out of her thoughts and sighing she rolled out of bed scuffling to the door. "What's up?" She questioned more cheerfully than she actually felt as she opened the door to her roommate.
     "A group of us were going to go catch a movie and some dinner. Feel up to joining us?" Megan's brown hair bounced about her shoulders as she tilted her head slightly in question.
     Lillian chewed on her lip as she thought about it. Spending some time with friends would be nice, plus a good break from allowing herself to be cooped up for so long. However, instead of agreeing she just shook her head slowly. "Not tonight, but thank you for inviting me out. I think I'm just going to finish my book for now. Perhaps another night though. Raincheck?"
    "It's all good, no worries. We'll be sure to invite ya the next time we do it as well, and cash in that raincheck." She smiled knowingly and walked off to go get ready.
     Turning back to her bed, Lillian flopped back down on it and snuggled down into her warm comforter. She reached over and turned on the small bedside lamp before picking up her book again and engrossed herself in someone else's life and adventures, effectively shutting off her mind to what was going on around her again.

"If we should get separated, just whistle. I'll come running. I promise."

      Ugh the feels of playing FFX again. I love that line, but it breaks my heart in ways I can't quite explain. I'm so happy I picked up the remastered game on PC. So worth it.

     Lyrilim stood on the grassy knoll under the darkening sky and raised her arms in the wind, reveling in the energy that danced across her skin. Thunder rumbled in the distance and the lightning lancing across the sky gave hints of the storm to come. She took a deep breath of the dampening air and smiled. This was the best part. The "calm before the storm," and then the feeling of rain falling on your skin. She wouldn't stay out in for long, as that was also the best time to curl up and relax just listening to it, but she would linger until wet strands of hair plastered her face and the chill of wet clothes made her shiver. Until then though, this was enough.


     I really like that name. It's an odd combination of letters from my name and my parent's names. Not sure where I saw a meme for it, but it turned out well and I'm alright with it. Kinda of rolls off the tongue as well. Currently it's fairly overcast outside, and if I've very lucky it will rain (preferably pour/storm), which we also really need because the heat/wind have made grass fires run rampant this spring. Usually it's just tornadoes we have to worry about, but northern OK has seen an 85 acre grass fire already I believe. Pretty crazy.

       I think that I've listened to this song more than thirty times within the past couple of days. I would really like to learn the guitar portion for it. I think that'll be on my next thing to do. Something with the song itself just really strikes home for me, not that it technically makes all that much of a difference, but I get it and I like the message with it.

Really...?

"It's tough to concentrate today. Messy, sticky emotions keep crowding in. Instead of ignoring them, face whatever is giving you the blues"

      Can my horoscope for the day just please stop? xD It's obnoxiously accurate, again. I don't even usually believe or care about those things, except that currently it's a thing.

Today's Horoscope

"You're swamped today with memories of the past. These emotions may be bittersweet, or just bitter. Feel them anyway. Let them wash away."

      Going through my email this morning and this is what I come across. Sometimes these things are way the hell off, but after last night and this morning already, it's 100% spot on. Not only am I swamped with past memories, but I'm flooded with emotions both good and bad. I'm happy for the good times I've had. The smiles and laughter I've shared among friends and even past relationships. I'm sad for the things I've lost, the people who have/continue to drift farther from my reach. I'm unsure, perhaps even fearful of what my future may hold from my past experiences, even though one shouldn't live in the past. It was so overwhelming that I sat and sobbed, no bawled, for a good two hours last night and then continued down that road this morning, which has been rough to say the least considering I'm at work. I'm emotionally exhausted, drained of my energy, and all I want to do is curl up in bed and sleep away the day.

     You know that wall that comes up when something happens and it doesn't fully let you process what happened for a period of time and then that wall crumbles and it all floods over you? I think that's the only way to describe it. I shut myself down, push things away, react from afar as if it isn't actually happening, and then it suddenly hits me that it's all really happening. It hits hard and it hits fast and all the emotions kept carefully bottled up and out of sight are suddenly on display for everyone to see. I can definitely say it's not a happy feeling and I wish I had done things differently/better, but I'm only human and I can only do my best and grow as I go.

“We’re traveling in opposite directions. Every time we meet, I know him more, he knows me less. I live for the days when I see him. But I know that every time I do, he’ll be one step further away. And the day is coming when I’ll look into that man’s eyes… my Doctor… and he won’t have the faintest idea

who I am. And I think it’s going to kill me.” - River Song, Doctor Who

     I have a case of the feels tonight... Abnormal and uncomfortable... I guess now is as good a time as any to crawl into bed and pull the covers over my head and just curl up...

     While probably about 99.9% of the time I will claim to be the most indecisive person that you could ever meet, I think I'm far more decisive than I let on. It's the second guessing myself/my choices, and how they may effect a person or how that particular person might take my answer, that makes the "I don't knows" and "up to yous" come out so quickly. If someone asks me "what would you like to eat?" Chances are I could honestly come up with a bajillion different things that sound yummy at the moment, but I don't want to pick something that the other person has zero interest in or wouldn't like. Perhaps that's why I may ask for a type of food or something else to choose from, or just say "I don't care" before I even think about it.
      I suppose this, among other things, is why I tend to let myself get walked over. I would often rather bend to the whims of another and make them happy, rather than just do something for myself. Not only that, but I think at this point there's a good possibility that it's become a habit more so than something I like to do. Sometimes it's just nice to do something for yourself, no matter how rare that occasion may be. The problem for me is the ability to speak up for myself and say "Hey! This is what I actually want to do. This is what would make me happy." My meek/mild and non-confrontational nature has destroyed that ability, not to mention my lack in self-confidence.
      I think if I set any sort of goal for myself this year, it's to gain some confidence. To not look in the mirror and grimace, but accept it and tell myself I'm beautiful. To wear something that I normally wouldn't because it's too "flashy" or out there. To just be happy with myself and who I am, and not rely on the image of myself crafted by others, or be shaped by the opinions of others. I think I just want to be a bit more true to myself and not confine myself to the box my self-consciousness puts me in.


     Here's to a much better 2016, than 2015. I know I'm writing this in February, but hey, since when do I do anything in a normal sense of time?