You know that wall that comes up when something happens and it doesn't fully let you process what happened for a period of time and then that wall crumbles and it all floods over you? I think that's the only way to describe it. I shut myself down, push things away, react from afar as if it isn't actually happening, and then it suddenly hits me that it's all really happening. It hits hard and it hits fast and all the emotions kept carefully bottled up and out of sight are suddenly on display for everyone to see. I can definitely say it's not a happy feeling and I wish I had done things differently/better, but I'm only human and I can only do my best and grow as I go.